Hope
by meggh11
Summary: Inspired by the fan made trailer 'Always' by Sarah, youtube channel xKamiichan. What you need to know: AU: Castle and Beckett meet at a bar. They hit it off, start dating. They get into a car accident.
1. Chapter 1

_Inspired by the fan made trailer for 'Always' by Sarah, youtube channel xKamiichan. _

_What you need to know: _

_AU: Kate meets Castle in a bar. They hit it off, begin dating. They get into a car accident. Begin..._

* * *

Kate fumbled with the yellow legal paper in her hands. Words streamed over it, crossed out and edited.

"I've decided to read you these," she began, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"Just stuff I've written – or things I needed to tell you. There are so many things I need to tell you. My therapist said it would help to feel closer to you if I wrote you letters. I don't know, but – who knows. Maybe."

She looked around the room. It was empty, but she was slightly embarrassed with the vulnerability she was allowing herself. His body was a lump in the bed next to her. She couldn't find him there. His soul wasn't hitting her, but she had to keep hope. People told her that he could hear her, but she was skeptical.

"Today is the first day back at work," she said with slight hope in her voice, "I guess we can start with that. The boys asked about you. That one night at the bar really charmed them. They said they would come to visit, so," she paused. It's been a few weeks since the accident. Time flew by as it crawled through her.

"- Ryan got engaged. A girl named Jenny. I haven't met her, but I've seen her – they look happy. They looked – _look_ – like us."

_Shit._

"Lanie says hi. Everyone says hi. It's hard. But I didn't cry today. That's a start. Not once, but _damn_ it was hard."

Her eyes filled with tears, but she fought them. Pushed them back, cleared her throat.

"Your seat is just where you left it. When you would come to visit me. I need you to come and visit me. I sat there today. I just need . . . I need to see your smile again. Just once. Rick. I want to feel your hands again. These hands," she begged, grabbing his hand that was eye level to her.

"Squeeze my hand."

"And – an – And I need you. Simple as that. Can you hear me? Please, _please." _

It was becoming too much. She had been to see him before, but this was the first time she was talking to him. Letting him know how she felt. She needed to continue because if he could hear her, then she needed to finish every letter.

"Yesterday, I went to our place to eat lunch. I ordered your favorite, but I couldn't eat it. I have it here – The manager asked to see you. I – I couldn't tell him. I don't know why, but I said you were great and that you needed your usual. I started to cry - I started to cry. Every place we ever walked and everywhere we talked. I miss you. I think about you every day - The doctor said that we need to wait and see. Wait and see if you are going to get any better, but I don't know. I can't just sit here and do _nothing_. You need me. I need you. Your daughter needs you. She's fine – Alexis. She's with her mother in LA for the rest of the month. She came in earlier in the month, do you remember? I haven't heard from her, but your mother says she's doing great – as great as she can. Her picture is next to your bed."

Kate grabbed the picture frame that she had brought in earlier. Everyone was trying to move on. It was what they were supposed to do. They were out of the window of opportunity. The small chance that patients get to see their loved ones wake up from their prolonged sleep. But Castle never did. They were losing hope and chances. Kate saw it, but she didn't accept it.

"You know what's funny? I can't figure out how to make the coffee the way you did – do. I put the same things you put in it, but something's off. Maybe it's because I made it for myself. You did always like to do that for me."

She couldn't let her eyes travel to his face. See his plain expression. Staring at his arm, or her lap – it was easier.

"The nurses come in once in a while to move your legs. Do you feel that? They say it helps your muscles. I don't know. I don't know what to believe anymore. I was walking down the street that we went to the day before – _before – _anyway, the place where you insisted on getting everything from every vendor on the street. It annoyed me, but I'd give anything to buy every single thing for you. See you act that way once more."

Tears filled her eyes. Her emotion was blocked for too long. She had been hiding it, but seeing her boyfriend in a coma before her eyes, with nothing that she could to do help – it was overbearing.

"So, do you hear me?" Kate said, standing up and moving to the side of his bed, her voice catching. She was pushing anger down. She was angry at herself, at him. She shouldn't be alive. She should be right where he is, but she's not. She got scrapes, a broken wrist. Things that could heal.

"Do you hear me Richard Castle! I need you. You need to come out of this because I need you back. You and me. We're a team. And it's not fair that I'm here and you're stuck."

Kate collapsed into his arm. The smell of him was in the pillow, but it was fading. Fading into the aroma of hospital sheets and blankets. She moved his arm and curled next to him. His hair was beginning to smell like the hospital as well. He was fading into this place and she needed him to hold on. She needed him to revive himself. Come out of this lost world he was in and back to her. Back to the way they were before that night. Her tears morphed into the sleeves of his hospital gown as she wrapped a hand around his chest.

"Do you remember when we first met?" she said, stroking his other arm.

"I do. You were sitting at the booth in the back of the bar – your usual – but I didn't know that. And you had this smirk on your face. I saw it before you looked my way. I saw you and how you moved, with confidence – all in this little booth. When you caught me staring I blushed, turned away. I didn't want to be caught staring. You didn't know how much of a fan I was. You still don't. I sat at the bar and you slowly made your way over. Making sure that it was okay. Something you later told me was new to you. You usually weren't nervous. You asked me if I needed a drink, I declined. I didn't want to admit it, but I was nervous too. Who knew that forcing a meal on me would be the best thing to happen to me – to the both of us."

A nurse walked in, interrupting her.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to – I'll just wait –"

"You're fine," Kate said, brushing back tears. "Come do your readings. I'll get going anyway."

Kate grabbed her things, rubbed his hand once more, and left the nurse to her job. She exited the room, empty.

* * *

_So, what'd you think? _

_Each post will have hidden song lyrics. Hint: this post has a line from a recently closed broadway musical (very recently closed). Let me know if you find it! If you do I'll mention your tumblr or fanfic in my next post. _


	2. Chapter 2

_As always, I do not own Castle or any of the references I make. _

* * *

Kate rolled over and fell into the space next to her. The cold sheets sent a chill down her back as she pulled the covers back over her neck. She wasn't use to being cold. Not having feet to wrap hers around. It was something she was never going to get used to. She tried to force herself back to sleep. Tried to subdue the pain that ripped through her chest, but it wasn't going to happen. She was awake.

Kate moved from his side of the bed and slid over to hers, putting her feet over the side into her slippers. She walked across the room to her charging phone and checked the messages.

_Kate. Please call me when you get this. I have something for you. Lanie. _

Kate unplugged her phone and walked into her kitchen to make herself her coffee. She brushed off the cups from the top of her cabinet – the ones she hasn't had to use in a while – and began the process of making her drink.

While she was taking her first sip of the coffee, she decided to call her friend.

"Hey, Kate. How you doin' this morning?

"I've been better. What's up?"

"Is there any way you can stop by my office today?"

"I wasn't planning on going into work, but yeah. Why, what's wrong?"

"I just need to talk to you. We can grab lunch if you want."

"Yeah, does noon sound okay?"

"I have a meeting until 12:30, so let's make it one."

"Perfect, I'll see you then."

_What could Lanie want?_

Kate finished her coffee and grabbed a shower.

_Three hours. _

She had time to kill. Nothing needed to be done in the apartment, and visiting hours weren't until later tonight. Even though she could get through without a scheduled time. Kate wanted to follow the rules – occasionally.

Walking into her kitchen, she realized that she needed to restock her food. There was nothing in the pantry, nothing in the refrigerator. She had been lost these past couple of weeks. It's the first time she hasn't been running around, at the hospital, or at work. She felt lost being home – not able to push the tugging in her chest, but she needed to face it. And she needed to be able to move on.

Kate tied up her sneakers, put on her hoodie, and went to the grocery store.

* * *

12:40.

Just enough time to put the groceries away and get down to the morgue. By the time she reached her office, she was ten minutes late.

"Hey Lanie, sorry I'm late – "

"It's okay, the meeting ran a couple of minutes late anyway. Gave me time to get my stuff together."

"Do you want to head out?"

"I need to give you something first," Lanie said, motioning to the chair in front of her.

Kate sat in the chair across from her friend's desk. It was official, strange.

"What's wrong?"

_What else could go wrong…_

"You know how when there is a crime scene – or accident – they collect everything they can use to figure it out, piece it together"

Kate shook her head, not knowing where Lanie was going to take this.

"Well, they collected the items from your accident, and when they're finished with them, they gave them to me – I asked them to give them to me first –"

"Lanie – why – what were you – "

"Let me finish," Lanie said, trying to sound understanding, but firm.

"When they recovered Rick's car, they found some items in his trunk. They found a manila envelope."

Kate was lost. Rick had many things in his car – it wasn't unusual, but they didn't mean anything.

"Well, they opened it to see what it was, but it was legal documents so they didn't bother with them. They asked me if I needed to see it – "

Lanie opened her desk drawer and pulled out the large envelope. It was thin, didn't have much in it.

"I didn't read it, but I know what they found. Take a look."

Kate opened the flap and took out the papers inside. She froze, not being able to handle the weight of the document in her hand.

"The day of the accident Rick changed his will. He put _you _in it."

"Lanie, I –," tears filled her eyes, her throat tightened – "he's not here yet. _We're _not here yet. He's alive."

"That's not all that's in there."

Kate pulled out the last item, a folded up piece of lined paper. It was used, been folded and unfolded multiple times prior to this opening. Words were crossed out, pencil marks and smudges.

"He wrote that to you. He loved you – "

"Loves. He loves me."

Lanie nodded her head in acceptance for being corrected.

"I – I can't read this now. Not here, not now."

"I understand. And, for the record, I did not read that."

"Thanks," Kate replied, with a slight smile, "can we reschedule lunch – "

"I knew you were going to say that so I ate before my meeting. No problem with it.

"Thanks. And can you do me one more favor?"

"Yeah, anything."

"Can you drive me to the hospital…"

* * *

Kate walked down the familiar hallway again. Her sneakers not clicking, but making a bouncing sound on the walls. She reached his room and took her usual spot next to him. His face remained emotionless. His eyes closed, wires running under the blankets and a tube in the side of his mouth. The machine that helped push air into his lungs made a noise every couple of seconds to his right. A beeping that let Kate know that he was alive interrupted the offbeat of the other machine.

"You let me this note. You changed your will?"

Kate pulled out the note from her purse and opened it.

"I haven't read it yet. I needed to be here to do it. With you. Where people aren't going to tell me it's okay and it's all going to get better . . . "

Tears crept up, expectantly, as she began to read his handwriting.

_Kate, _

_ - This past year has amazed. If I could - _

_ - Dating you -  
_

_Why is this so hard? I write everyday. I write for a living. People pay me to write what they need to read. But when it comes to me telling you exactly how I feel to have known you - To have experienced this past year with someone who is the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I've ever met that I can't ever live without - _

_But now, I'm asking you to do that. I need you to that, for me. I know this sounds impossible. I can't picture living without you. Being without your laugh, your smell. God, just writing it makes me want to die. But you need to be strong. I know you can be strong. Alexis will need you, and believe it or not, my mother will need you. And you're going to need them. _

_This next part is going to hurt. I know if I was in your place I wouldn't even be able to think about being with another person. __And, if it were__ me don't think I could be with another person. You were it, Kate. My one and done. You were the first person I ever truly loved for everything that you were. I finally found someone who could make me be true. Being with you, physically and emotionally, was the best – is the best – experience that I will ever have. It had to be you. It just had to be you. But you need to keep living. Go out with Lanie - go out with friends. Live your life. Find your other yang Have children. Spoil them rotten. Work; be the best detective you can be. Have fun. I love you Kate. And I need you to do this for me. Whether we're together or apart you will always be the woman of my life - If we never see each other again - If you're out walking one day and you feel a certain presence that will be me, loving you, wherever I am. _

_Love you, _

_Always, _

_Rick_

* * *

_For those who can't wait the next chapter will pick up seconds after this one left off.  
_

_Last chapter's song lyrics: "I started to cry. I started to cry every place we ever walked and everywhere we talked. I miss you" from Ghost the Musical.  
_

_No one found it! This week's should be a little easier. I hope. The one's from Ghost just seemed to fall into place.  
_

_Reviews are always welcome. I read every one and love them all - the good and the bad.  
_

_My tumblr is on my main page - updates might be seen sooner than on here. And notices about when the chapters are coming, etc.  
_

_Thanks,  
_

_Meg  
_


	3. Chapter 3

"How – _How can you – "_

Kate's words cut off as a sudden sob overtook her. She held it together for so long. Kept a straight face when her father, her best friends – when they all tried to console her. She helped Alexis cry without actually crying herself. Kate was everyone's rock.

"I can't just – why would you write this! This letter!" she said, waving in front of the comatose body that occupied her world.

"You are my life! Do you hear me! There will never be anyone else. You said it yourself!"

Her words echoed in the room, her hands on the bed beside him. She was yelling it to him. Begging him to hear her; to understand her. Her heart ached beneath her shirt. The pain stretched to her fingers that were holding the letter that told her to move on. If all hope was lost she was to move on. Even though he couldn't. Do it for him. Kate screamed and cried the same words and sentences over and over. People in the hallway began to stare. She pounded on the bed, emphasizing the mumbling that was spilling through her tears.

Kate finally collapsed; fell to her knees. Her hands in fists at his side, her head resting on the bed as she sobbed. Her mouth pained as it stretched trying to push emotions from inside her. Her head was pounding; pressure was building up.

A hand pulled her up by the arm and moved her into an embrace. The letter crinkled inside her fist as she smelled the familiar scent of her best friend. They slowly fell back to the couch that was across from Castle's bed and Lanie let Kate cry. She let her friend get it all out. Finally.

* * *

"We are going to move him to a different room?"

Kate looked at the doctor before her. Confused, concerned.

"Why? What's wrong with this one?"

"Well . . . these rooms are used for patients that have recently been put into a coma and because Mr. Castle has been comatose for a little over a month now, we need to move him."

"What are you saying – are you – are you telling me that he's – "

Kate couldn't form the words. He couldn't be dying. He was fine. People recovered from comas. They did.

"We still have hope for him, but we do need to move him."

* * *

She walked into Castle's new room. It wasn't nicer than the other one, just looked more like a bedroom in the hospital. Something for a long term stay. There was his hospital bed and the machines next to him, too familiar to her as she glanced them over. However, now there was a sofa chair next to his bed, something Kate knew she would get use out of. And there was a couch under the window across from her, to the right of his bed. A simple painting hung on the wall in front of him. The room was pale. Dry, in a sense of conformity. They were beginning to blend in with the other patients, the other families that came to visit their sleeping loved ones.

She placed her purse down beside him and dragged the chair a little closer so that their hands were touching.

"No more crying today."

Kate enveloped her hand into his, praying for a squeeze, but she wasn't devastated when nothing happened.

"I'm going to tell you a story. You know it, but I like it."

Kate settled into her chair, her head now leaning against the pillow he rested on. Her feet tucked under her, the chair pulled as close as it could get.

"Remember when you first brought me to meet Alexis. You decided it would be best to get together outside of the loft. She was seventeen, old enough to understand us obviously, but still – she was your child. So we went to the park. You said that it would be fun. I thought it was clichéd." Kate smiled, laughed a bit.

"And – and remember when you _insisted _on buying balloons. Alexis didn't want to carry them, I sure as hell didn't. But you bought them. And you carried them. But you didn't buy just one, no. You bought them all because the vendor was a fan. And that's all I needed to know about you. That's when I first fell in love with you. Yeah, I read your books. I learned to love the _you_ on the page, but when I saw you being playful with your daughter, my heart skipped. And then when – even though you have millions of fans – this one person said he was a fan, he had only read one of your Derrick Storm books, but that was enough. And we were then stuck with 20 balloons for the rest of the day. And I didn't mind."

Her finger traced the lines on his hands, danced around his knuckles. She smiled quietly as she pictured the amount of balloons he had while he tried to have a serious conversation with Alexis. About their future together, the three of them; but they all resorted to laughing when one balloon hit him in the face.

"You know, it's weird. I miss you so much. That's not the weird part. And don't let this get to that big head of yours, but I still don't understand how much I fell for you. You saved me when I needed you and you didn't know me. And now you're gone and there is no way I can – I can't ever get over you."

Kate paused. Tried not to cry. She told him she wouldn't today.

"Sometimes I dream that I was with you, wherever you are. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

Her eyes dripped and she focused all her energy on his hand that was between her fingers.

"But, I can't think that way. Because you are here, you're not dead. And you will come back to me. I have no doubt in my mind."

Kate moved so that she could hold on to his arm and rest her head. Feel the warmth from his body. Pretend that they were back at his loft and had nothing to do all day but spend it with each other.

She played with his scrub cuff as she smiled, thinking about all the memories that they have. That's when she felt it, a surge of movement beneath his arm. A tendon responding to a neuron sending messages to his brain to his pointer finger to move; to point.

She saw it. She saw his finger lift, and then fall. Her eyes widened, hope filled her mind. He was there. She knew it.

"Castle. Can you hear me? Rick."

Her hands engulfed his face, her eyes filled with water. Tears dripped on his shirt, staining it dark blue. She pulled her knees to the bed, looked into his eyes.

"Can you hear me? You moved. I saw it. Don't stop. Keep trying. I'm here!"

Kate moved until she straddled him. Ran a hand through his hair, lifted his chin so that she could see his entire face. Making contact with him; holding on to that bit of movement. The first that she had in over a month.

"Nurse!" Kate shouted, looking towards the door.

"Do it again. Please, please. For me. Try to move your finger again."

* * *

_Sorry for the lack of updates for every story. It's midterms time on campus. _

_This story is not as clear to me as Surprises was. That was the one story that I really had a view for. However, this one is fun, but I need some feedback (I saw that all the time, but it's true. It really does help - good and bad feedback).  
_

_There is a song lyric in this one too from a more contemporary song that is heard on the radio aka not broadway and not Frank Sinatra._

_ Last chapter's winner was a guest reviewer, ninabambina. They found one of the two lyrics from the song "It Had To Be You" by the one and only Frank Sinatra. Lyric one, the obvious: It had to be you, it just had to be you. And lyric two: finally found someone who could make me be true._

_Also, I forgot to cite the monologue I took from the trailer that goes along with this story.  
_

_"whether we're together or apart you will always be the woman of my life. If we never see each other again. If you're out walking one day and you feel a certain presence that will be me, loving you, wherever I am" - not my style of writing, but because it was in the trailer that inspired this story, I included it. It's from the 2008 version of My Sassy Girl, the American version. I did not make this part up. The rest is my writing, besides the lyrics.  
_

_Thanks,  
_

_Meg  
_


	4. Chapter 4

"It's something we expected, but not this soon – "

" – that's good, right?"

" – it was going to happen, well, most likely to happen."

Kate's blind hope subdued back down inside. Barely lit. Dormant.

"Sometimes coma patients, after their sessions of therapy, can show that they are responding. They move their fingers a little. They will flicker their eyelids. Signs that make us think they are back, but in reality, they are still comatose."

Kate sat back down in her chair no longer being able to look at the doctor. She only saw Rick's nearly lifeless face in front of her.

"What does this mean . . . is he coming back to me?" she said, forcing her face to see her doctor's reaction.

"We still don't know, Ms. Beckett. Comas are a unique, tricky thing. They are different for every patient. Sometimes they don't respond at all. Sometimes they get what we call extensive posturing; their legs and arms become stiff, or flexor posturing where their arms bend at the elbows. Others react to our movement with grunts, or movements themselves. All we can do is sit and wait. Check his records, make sure he is healthy and that his body is kept in good condition so if he were to come back, he'd be okay. "

Kate's eyes sank back to her hands. She wanted him back. The Rick she met at the bar. The funny, adventurous, painfully annoying boyfriend that she loved.

"Ms. Beckett," the doctor said, bending to catch her eyes, "don't be discouraged. His finger moved. That means there was a clear path from his brain, to his spine and to his finger – he's in there somewhere."

Kate gave her a depressed smile as the doctor dismissed herself and went back to her rounds. Kate's fingers folded in her lap, her elbow leaning on the arm of the chair. Tears were forming out of desperation in her eyes, but she wasn't discouraged.

She cleared her throat, allowing her to speak.

"What are we going to do with you, Rick?"

* * *

_4 Months after the accident_

"He's doing really well." Kate said, fixing the sheets under the blanket that covered his feet.

"Yeah?" Alexis asked.

"They come in and check on him all the time. He's in here with doctors. They move his legs around. Sometimes, when I come in, the tv is on. But it's always TLC or something. Your father probably wouldn't approve." Kate told the girl, showed her a smile. Hope refreshed inside of her. This was her life and this was how she was going to life it. If Castle was in there, then she was going to have to make his life as enjoyable as she could.

"Maybe you could bring in those movies you guys like so much? The ones he told me about. For the movie marathon? He'd like that."

Alexis smiled. Kate knew it was fake. Something was off. Alexis never left the sofa, across from her father. She was eye level with the end of the bed, couldn't see his face.

"Why don't you come up here? Sit in that chair. We can talk. Let him hear us?"

"I – I don't think so."

"Why not? I think he'd like to hear your voice. He probably missed you when you were in LA," Kate said, moving around the edge of the bed, closer to Alexis.

"I don't want to."

"Come on, just for a little, then we can leave - "

"No!" Alexis protested. Her voice rose. Gave her authority. Kate reached for her arm to give her comfort.

"I can't do this. I stayed with my mom because I thought it would be better. But I missed him and I wanted to see him, but this? This isn't him. This is his body and he is dying and you're just making it worse," she broke off, calmed herself. "I know Gram did what you wanted because she thought you would know better, but I don't think you do. How could you know what my dad wanted? I didn't even know what he wanted. And he's lying here, for four months, dead."

"Alexis, he isn't –"

"Don't even tell me that he isn't!. He doesn't move. His heart is controlled by a _machine_. If we turn it off, he will die. He won't breathe on his own. That's dead. My father is dead."

Alexis' voice broke when she said it. She had said it before, to herself, to her friends. But, for some unspoken reason, she didn't believe it until now.

_Dead._

Tears fell down her face. The anger pushed forward.

"And you can walk around here, fixing sheets and playing movies, but it won't help. Playing house will not wake him."

Alexis left the room before she began to sob, quickly jogged down the hallway, and away from Kate.

* * *

Kate knocked on the door. She didn't look around. Didn't want to see the familiar hallway. The emotional smell of the room around her - she didn't want any of it. She came here for one reason. And that did not include breaking down in front of the one person she needed to keep it together for. Footsteps approached. The door would open. Kate's wall went up. This would be hard. She hadn't been to the loft since the accident. She certainly hadn't been to it alone. Without him. The door swung open and Alexis' disappointed face filled the space before her.

"Look, I can't talk now."

"Alexis, just let me - "

"No, I don't want to see you."

"Alexis, please –" Kate said, pushing the door open. Alexis headed back for the stairs, back towards her room.

"No, Kate. Please leave."

"I need to talk to you."

"No! – Because – because if I talk to you, I will start crying and I won't stop."

This feeling was all too familiar to Kate. She had been like that – still was on some days. She walked closer to the girl, found her eyes.

"It's okay to cry, you know? It's okay."

"I can't. I didn't cry at my moms. Gram does enough of it for me. And you – I just can't"

"Alexis, no one is expecting you to be superwoman. You don't have to hold anyone together."

Kate walked towards the girl who had sat down on the stairs. She joined her. Didn't touch her, just mirrored her – hands in her lap, head facing the step beneath her feet.

"When I found out you father hadn't fully made it from the accident – that he was in a coma – at first I was sad. All of it was on me. Your father, he took most of the heavy stuff. But now it was on me. After the shock passed, I felt guilty. I asked myself how in the world did I make it through. How could I make it and not him? I was to go on living without your father. And it wasn't something I was ready to do."

Alexis wiped tears from her chin.

"But, what my friends - and your father - helped me realize was that he wasn't taken from us. He's not with us, but for some reason – God, or some higher power – or maybe just pure chance – he wasn't taken from us. He chose to hang on. And he is. He has moved his fingers. The doctors tell me he sometimes makes noises during therapy. Now, this is normal, but it means there is connections. That there is something happening inside his head."  
Alexis sniffled beside Kate, rolled her shoulders back until she was upright.

"I know we haven't gotten the chance to really get to know each other. Your father pushed it, but I didn't want to put you in a _place_. I wasn't your grandmother, and I'm not your mother. So I let you have your space. It's supposed to be your first year of college in September. And, I know that you talk to your grandmother, but – if you need anything – need a place to just let it all out – I'm here. And if you decide that you're going to hold off on college, that's okay. If you want something to keep you busy you can still help out at the precinct. If you want - I'm here, Alexis. And I'm not going anywhere."

There was a pause in the room. They let that sink in. Kate wanted Alexis to think about it.

"You know, my father really liked you. When we would go out, just us, he was always asking what I thought about you. If I was okay. And I told him I'm okay if he's okay. And he didn't want to hear that. He would always say 'Wherever you're going, I'm going your way.' He really wanted me to like you and not feel threatened or - . . . and, I get it. But, it wasn't until now that I understand. He loved you and I didn't want him to get hurt. Again. And that's why I didn't want to like you. I didn't want you to stick around. Rip the band - aid off real quick, get over the pain. But –"

Alexis paused. Tried to form the words she was trying to get out.

"Don't go anywhere, okay?"

Kate understood. And she wasn't going anywhere.

* * *

_Last chapter's lyric was from Mad World - "The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."_

_New lyric towards the end of this one._

Let me know what you think!  



	5. Chapter 5

"Kate –"

"I'll be right there!"

"Kate –"

"I'm coming! –"

" - Kate!"

"Alexis I'm - _humph – _I'm coming."

Kate struggled to get out as she tripped out of her closet. Packing in a hurry caused her to make a mess of her already unmanageable bedroom. Alexis' grandmother was leaving for the week leaving Alexis home by herself. And even though the insisted that she was already old enough – eighteen to be exact – to stay home, Kate didn't feel comfortable. And Martha agreed. Not with these circumstances. So, with a single hidden phone call, Kate had convinced Alexis it was because she needed the company, not the other way around. However, what Kate didn't expect was to be caught up at work and almost miss Alexis stopping by after school. They were grabbing dinner on the way home, stopping by Kate's place to pick up her "already packed" suitcase, and heading to the loft.

A knock on the door interrupted Kate's desperate dig into the bottom of her closet. Hair falling over her face, she looked up to see Alexis.

"Are – do you need help?"

"Nope, got it!" an out of breath response as she held up her other shoe.

"Ready?"

"Ready."

* * *

"So what's on the list tonight? You have any plans?"

"Nope, looks like it's just us."

"It's a Friday in _August_! Don't keep me from letting you go out with friends," Kate protested.

"No, it's fine. Many of them left for college anyway."

Kate smiled flatly down at the girl – the supposed to be college freshman.

"Look – I know it's not ideal – not getting to go to college. And I understand why you decided not too, but hey. You get to see me – or Lanie – everyday. We can grab lunch. We can _haaang._" Kate said, putting her arm around Alexis' shoulder.

These past two months since their conversation on the stairs brought them closer. Alexis didn't directly ask for Kate's help. She didn't want to seem weak, like she was burdening her. Kate had a life. She had her own worries; her own grievances. Alexis would stop by the precinct, or the apartment, asking for things here and there; for help with little things that she already understood. Kate was familiar with this. She did herself when she was lost after her mother's death. She accepted Alexis and her unspoken yet obvious need for a hug here and there. When she decided not to attend her first semester, Kate was supportive. She followed Alexis' wishes and pulled some strings to get her to continue the internship she only had just begun with Lanie.

"Thank you, again. For getting that internship going again. I'm excited to start working with Dr. Parish again."

"No problem – alright, here it is. Do you have the key?"

"Yeah, right here," Alexis said, reaching into her pocket.

They unlocked the door, walked into the entrance. Alexis excused herself, going to change into her sweats so they could watch a movie together. Kate wanted to do the same, but she decided to change in the hall bathroom instead.

_You know it's gonna make it that much better._

But she decided against it.

When they were both finished, they found the couch – and the food – and pulled up the movie list. After scrolling through almost every option, they found a romantic comedy that neither of them had seen. Kate, going along with the girl's wishes, purchased the rental and buckled down her emotions. It was just a movie. Nothing more. Just characters on a screen.

* * *

After Alexis had successfully fallen asleep by the end of the movie, Kate decided it was time for her to do as well. She reached for a blanket and covered Alexis. She turned off the light in the far corner, made sure she locked the front door, and made her way to the next step in her healing process.

* * *

She had been to the loft before. She'd been here after the accident. She had come when Martha couldn't get out of bed for a week. She had helped Alexis. But, she had never been _here_. Sitting on his bed. Breathing in the scent that she missed too much. Remembering the touch that she needed most. The reassuring attitude that was no longer around her.

Kate put her suitcase on a chair in the distance. She had avoided the thought of lying in his bed. Pulling out her pajamas, she let a single tear pass by as she made her way to the bathroom. Showering was out of the question, but she forced herself to brush her teeth. Turning on the sink, looking into the mirror. She expected him to be standing next to her. Behind her, running his hand up her spine as they paralleled each others movements.

She put her legs into her pants, then paused. Put her shirt down on the edge of the tub. She walked out of the bathroom with her shirt from earlier still on. The bureau sat a few feet from where she stood. It was still untouched. Others may have ventured into its holdings, but this was her first. She told herself it was tradition. She had never slept in her shirt while at this loft. Opening the first drawer, she slid her finger and grazed the top of the maroon shirt, perfectly folded, like he had just done laundry that morning. Kate slid her fingers underneath, pulled the shirt out and held it to her nose. His smell, his naturally amazing smell still hid in the shirt. His laundry detergent filled her nose and brought with it too much for her to handle. Tears streaming down her face, she went back to the bathroom. She took off her t-shirt and slid on the oversized fabric across her chest and down past her waist. Turning off the light, Kate shut the bathroom door and faced the one thing she needed most; but the one thing that was going to hurt the worst. She pulled back the comforter to his bed and revealed the white sheets. Pushing one leg into the bed, sitting on the corner, she closed her eyes. The pain calling out, knowing that she would not find his leg on the other side. Instead of leaning into his body to fall asleep, she would use a pillow. Kate brought her other leg into the bed, into the soft sheets. She reached to turn off the light, something she would do every time before they would fall asleep. Before they would do _anything_ in this room. It was her unspoken job. But, _now._

Kate let her tears fall on the pillow that she squeezed between her arms, the one that she let her head lay silently. With every tear drop, the aroma of him spread. The smell pulled from the fabric. After an agonizing, yet unforgettably comforting hour, Kate Beckett fell asleep.

* * *

She awoke to the feeling of a foot. Dragged out of the comfort of her dream, Kate opened her eyes, startled in the dark room. But, her adrenaline rush died when she saw the red hair spread across the pillow next to her. A different kind of comfort filled her body. A new sense that was only discovered a few months earlier. The one good thing that came out of this horrible event. She brushed the hair back from Alexis' face, pushed it behind the girl's ear, and went back to sleep.

* * *

_Thoughts?  
_

_Sorry that this chapter took a while. Turns out being on the east coast during a hurricane is rather difficult. Everyone's safe, power is back on, and the roof is only somewhat damaged. Sorryto those who were affected by it in a more difficult way. It was scary.  
_

_Congrats to ninabambina for finding the lyric! It's from a personal favorite - Moon River - "Wherever you're going, I'm going your way"  
_

_There's another lyric this time around - towards the middle of the chapter.  
_


	6. Chapter 6

_I have not gotten the chance to reply to any reviews because I mostly read them on my phone, but I read every single one. I promise. And I love every single response. It's one thing to write a story for yourself, but it's completely different to satisfy an audience. If I could I'd thank each and every one of you for reviewing. Love you all! Love the responses!  
_

* * *

_10 months after the accident_

* * *

Kate's hand fumbled with the ringing phone in her pocket begging for her attention, but she didn't have time. She had to enter the building down the street, find the man who killed the child from earlier in the week, and arrest him. Whoever it was would call her back.

Her team was already at the scene, disguised. Nothing could go wrong. Kate dropped her coat with the undercover man down the street revealing her outfit of choice. The suspect, Tim Frembel, should be playing pool right about now. If Kate had done her research right then Frembel should make his shot, drink his beer, and make money off of his talent. Kate's heels clicked beneath her and fueled the power behind her stance. Esposito was reading a paper on a bench nearby. Ryan was pretending to be late to a business meeting, stuck in the wrong part of town.

"Alright, keep steady. Don't move until you get the signal," she whispered into her watch.

She walked up the stairs of the bar disguised as a historic building. From the outside, it looked like part of the landscape, but there were heinous deals on the inside that got this little girl from the suburbs killed. Kate opened the door, her skirt began to feel too tight, uncomfortable and out of character. The long business shirt that was paired with it, meant to give her a sophisticated, sexy look, but now it was getting in the way. Her gun dug into her back, her badge pinched. Nothing felt right, but there was a job to be done. Her stiletto heels lead the way into the bar's own type of bull pen.

"What do we have here . . . " a voice from the background bellowed, followed by whistles.

"Hey, Frembel," Kate tried to say as seductively as she could to a killer.

"Was I expecting you – "  
"How could you forget? We were supposed to meet earlier at Mango's."

That was the signal.

Within seconds her team busted through, her gun was released and everyone turned to panic. But nobody could move. The building was surrounded by more of the force landing Kate's successful arrest of a bounty hunter.

* * *

They arrived at the precinct after dropping many of the accused down in holding to be questioned by others - since this one spread across many departments – and Kate would be doing paperwork with the boys.

But that could happen tomorrow.

"Listen, I get that we want to wrap this up and quickly, but I think we should take the night."

"Detective Beckett, I could not agree with you more." Ryan answered already grabbing his coat.

Kate finished her routine, picked up her coat and made her way to the elevator. Checking her phone, she realized that there were six missed calls. When she opened her recent call list, she realized that three were from Alexis, and two were from Martha.

_What happened?_

Kate pushed the button to the elevator feverishly. Her hands attacking the down arrow on the keypad. But it didn't come fast enough. She turned too quickly, almost bumping into the new intern.

"Kate, where are you? We need you!"

"Alexis, what's wrong?"

"The hospital called, they need to talk to you, but since Gram isn't here and I'm not on the list, they need you – "

"What do you mean not on the list?"

"Remember? Gram changed you to first priority on the call list if – "

"If what!" Kate knew, she knew what she was on the list for, but it was too much to handle. She needed Alexis to say it. Adrenaline pushed through her system. It allowed her to skip down the stairs in the matter of seconds.

"Kate, where are you?"

"Alexis, where are you!"

And with that one statement, Kate burst through the front door to the precinct almost knocking over Alexis. Kate, after realizing who she was, grabbed the girl's arms, making her tangible to her even though she had seen her yesterday.

"Alexis, please – _oh god – _Alexis, what – what's happened – is he . ."

"I think he's waking up," the girl said, a smile on her face and tears forming in her eyes.

* * *

They arrived at the hospital half an hour later. It was only Alexis and Kate, Martha being out-of-state for a traveling theater production, something that Kate insisted on. Martha had always talked about it but had postponed it. But Kate said that it would be good for her to do something for her own. That's why Kate moved to the top of the call list.

The doors parted at their feet as they walked in to the organized chaos of the familiar hospital. They had come last week to change the flowers.

Kate began walking to the elevator that would bring them to his floor.

_His floor where he would be awake. _

She wanted to believe it, but she really needed to see it. She could run there, but Alexis lagged behind.

"Come on – "

"Kate, what if – I – I've wanted this for so long and now that it's here – "

"Alexis, we've wanted this for ten months. We've begged for this. It will be okay, trust me," Kate's hands framing the girl's face.

Alexis, shaking her head in agreement, continued walking.

They reached the floor where they started to walk to Rick's room.

" – excuse me!"

Kate stopped in her tracks, never being told to stop before.

"We were contacted by our doctor. He's awake?" Kate couldn't hide the look on her face, the smile that beamed through without control.

"We need to prep you before you enter."

"Preparation" took forever. Kate's fingers tapped on the counter as she dressed in her scrubs, as well as Alexis. They needed to prevent him from coming in contact with diseases or simple illnesses. Her legs were jittery. She couldn't sit still. Her eyes looked to the ceiling, a smile bursting on her face. She held back tears because she knew they would come through fully when she entered that room.

"Okay, you're ready. You've been given your instructions – "

Alexis walked back into the empty room and sat next to Kate, reached for her hand.

" – we need to take it slow. He's been told his family is coming to visit him – "

_He's been told. He was lucid. Awake. _

" – don't spring anything on him. If he asks, then yes. But in moderation. It's tough to realize that you missed out on ten months of your life. His injuries have healed. He knows of the accident, briefly."

Kate nodded, squeezed Alexis' hands.

"Alexis, would you like to go first?"

"Kate – you should –" she saw the look on Kate's face, and accepted.

"Okay."

Kate stood against the wall, hands pressed against the budge that dug into her back. It would be moments now. Alexis had five minutes to herself. They would have gone in together, but the doctor said in moderation. Kate didn't understand how five minutes was much moderation, but she didn't disobey. Her heart began to race, nervousness crept up her throat and filled her stomach all at the same time. She wanted to run into the room and leap on the bed, have him hug her forever.

"Okay. Are you ready?"

Tears filled her eyes, escaped down her face. She turned the corner – the corner she had turned a million times before; the pale blue wall that separated her sight from the man who was almost taken from her. She ran her fingers on the wall, counted the steps that it took to turn the small corner. Forced herself to walk even though she felt faint.

And then she saw him.

His blue eyes that filled the room, his smile that she adored. The dimple that crinkled in the side of his face as he saw his daughter. Alexis, hung over his shoulder and his tear-stained shirt.

Rick's eyes looked up to great Kate's, sending stings throughout her body with enough adrenaline for days. She tried to get words out. Opened her mouth to say something – anything – but nothing at all.

She walked to the edge of his bed, tears staining her face, her hand wanting to touch him to make sure she wasn't dreaming again.

"Hey – " she tried, but was cut off by more tears, but a smile widened.

"Hey?" Rick responded, a question.

_A question. _

Kate looked to Alexis, the girl who had sat up against her father. Panic struck a chord in her heart. Thoughts rushed through her head but didn't have clarity to be spoken.

"Dad," she said, their eyes meeting, "it's Kate."

Kate smiled, moved over to the opposite side of the bed and grabbed his hand desperately.

"I'm sorry, who?"

* * *

_There is no lyric in this one - sorry if anyone looked forward to that._

_Congrats to SleepDon'tWeep who got both the artist and the lyric - and to ninabambina for getting the lyric - which was "You Know it's gonna make it that much better" from Wouldn't It Be Nice by the Beach Boys.  
_

_This chapter was - not difficult - but not easy to write. It wouldn't write itself as most chapters tend to do.  
_

_Thoughts?  
_


	7. Chapter 7

_AN: Before you start this chapter, I wanted to discuss the comments about the clichéd story line that has developed. I know it's clichéd - trust me. But, I have a method to my predictable madness. Thanks for those of you who are sticking with it!_

* * *

Kate reached a hand to her hair to brush it out of her hanging face. The doctor had sat her down in the chair across from him in his office that was too big. The glass windows revealed the outside world where Kate wanted to be. She wanted to jump out of the window to feel the calming feeling of escape – not in a suicidal way – but so she could go to a different world. One that was far away from the one that she was in. One that had _her _Castle and not this one who didn't remember who she was.

Rick's doctor was explaining the phenomenon to her. The one where her boyfriend of a year, now almost two, doesn't remember who she is – at all. Not even Nikki Heat. His muse was left in his world without a clue how to handle it.

"...everything can contribute to memory loss. Blood pressure, blood flow, inflammation…we won't know until we run some more tests, watch him for a while.

It wasn't something Kate was unfamiliar with. The amount of times she was told that they had to run more tests was never-ending. She was used to the tests, the trial and error. She remembered thinking if only he would wake up. There would be no more tests, no more questions. Everything could go back to normal. Reset itself. But, Kate never considered that it wouldn't include her. It took her so long to hurdle the wall that she built herself. Move past the fear of a relationship. She had let the murder cloud her life, but now she moved past it. And she thought that was all the work she had to do.

She heard the doctor. He was using words she didn't understand – she could have if she focused – but she couldn't.

"He might regain his memory. Because he can remember his daughter – his mother – it means that his most recent memories are those that he can't recall. He remembers Derrik Storm, his ex-wife."

He remembers most of his life, but the past three years were gone. Their chance meeting, their discussions on the chance that he might get to really follow her around – not just stories and paperwork. Nothing was the same.

Kate let out a sigh. She wasn't giving up, but it was taking all of her energy not to walk out of the room and forget. Just like he had done.

"What's the next step."

"Well, right now Mr. Castle will be with his daughter. His mother – you said – will be here within the week. I think we should give him a few days to figure everything out. Regain the past ten months that he's missed. Maybe he will remember you. Maybe it's just hazy right now. Brains are tricky. They have a mind of their own – no pun intended."

The doctor was in high spirits. One of his more comatose patients had just woken up. It was a success for him and his place of work. They would be in the papers. To him, memory loss was not the worst thing that could have happened.

"Ms. Beckett, we are going to try. Give it a few days and then you might be able to talk to him."

Kate stood up from her chair, grabbed her purse and proceeded to the door. She had nothing to say – she wasn't angry, but she wasn't okay with any of this.

"We can call you if anything happens."

"Thank you, doctor."

Kate exited the room. To her right was the only man she cared about. The full functioning, breathing, living human being that she wanted to wrap in her arms and never let go. She wanted to sit on the edge of his bed, feel the warmth of his skin – watch his chest fluctuate as it breathed on its own. Let his hand travel through her hair, have it will her to sleep. Kate wanted to watch him sleep, watch him wake up over and over. But she couldn' her left was the exit. The door that took her back to her apartment and her life as Detective Beckett. For three days – at least – she couldn't contact him. She had to stay out of the life of the man who consumed hers for almost two years now. She took care of him while he was away. Grown to love his daughter.

_Alexis._

Kate had become so close to her while Martha regained her strength. While she went on a traveling theater company. Alexis was her surrogate daughter.

_Did these three days mean that the entire Castle family was off-limits._

Kate didn't know if she had to walk through that door and leave or see the girl that she felt responsible for.

She made her way to the desk that she visited frequently these past ten months.

"Can you give someone a letter for me?"

The nurse looked up at Kate with a doubtful face.

"Ms. Beckett, we can't let you contact Mr. Castle – "

"No, no. I know. It's his daughter. Can you – "

"Kate?"

Kate turned her head to the doorway of the room she couldn't enter.

"Where are you going?"

"No – nowhere. I'm not leaving, but – I can't – Alexis, I'm not allowed to see your father. They are making me wait three days, but your grandmother is coming home – you will have someone –"

"But…Kate – I – I want you."

"I know, honey. I know. And you can come stay with me if you want. If Martha doesn't come home tonight then call me. If you don't want to be here, you can call me. Nothing changes between us, okay?"

Kate put her arms around Alexis' shoulders and hugged her – her chin resting on the girl's head.

"Do you want me to talk to him for you?"

"No, it's okay. Let's follow the doctor's instructions. He will probably be talking to you too," she said, pulling away from her. "We need to let your dad's head rest. Give it a chance to maybe remember the past three years, give or take. It's going to be overwhelming for him, be patient. When I'm allowed, I will talk to him."

Alexis shook her head in agreement.

"I'm going to stay here for a little. Maybe go get some lunch. After the doctor talks to you, you can join me. I can't go in that room, but I won't leave you."

Alexis smiled, turned to go back to her father. Kate pulled her arm to stop her.

"And listen. I know that things weren't the best between us, but then they got better. And you're like a daughter to me, Alexis. Nothing is going to change, okay? Just because your dad woke up doesn't mean this has to stop. I don't ever want to let you down. I'm here as long as you need me."

Alexis shook her head again.

"Thanks, Kate. I feel the same way. And he will remember you, trust me. How could he forget the woman he talked about every single night at dinner?"

A chord struck Kate. She had been sad, yes. She had begged for him to just click back into place. Her emotion for love - or longing subsided - while she had responsibilities – for Alexis, for Rick's health. But, Alexis' comment brought it all swarming back into her. She shook her head, rubbed Alexis' shoulder and watched as the girl walked into the room she was forbidden to enter. A tear escaped her eye as reality sunk in. He might never remember. He might never regain the memory that contained everything that they had. Their talks, their walks. The notes he left her when he had to leave early. The messages she left on his cell before she left for a case. All of it might be gone. It might disappear into thin air. And she couldn't fix it, not this time.

Kate turned and headed for the elevator to sit in the cafeteria, waiting for Alexis to send her a text. Her hand wiped at her eyes as she found the button for the ground floor and let the doors shut on everything that she needed most.

* * *

_Chapters are taking a while - I know and I apologize. Course selection, midterms, work (the holiday season in retail is hell) - this American needs Thanksgiving break. And it doesn't help that I'm itching to start the Surprises sequel - if anyone actually still wants/remembers it._

_Thoughts about this story? There is a hidden song lyric from a song that is currently all over the radio.  
_

_I see all the reviews and thank you for each one, but I'm more likely to answer questions and comments on my tumblr - .com. (because I mostly see reviews on my phone).  
_

_But, if you ask a question here I will do my best to answer it.  
_

_Thank you.  
_


	8. Chapter 8

_How could he not remember her?_

They'd spent a year together. Not just any year, but a one filled with love and hope -

_Memories._

And now that he's awake he doesn't remember? Just like that.

A hand ruffled her hair, a sigh escaped her breath. Just like that. They were over. Or back at the beginning. Kate tried to have it all make sense. They would be back to the way they were. Finishing each others' thoughts during a case. Running around, trying to make everything fall into place. They would get like that again. Kate was trying to entertain the idea, but she knew that it wasn't true. The old Rick would never be here. He would never come back to her. This one doesn't remember her. He remembers the world before her - his mother, his daughter, his ex wives. But not her.

She walked out of the cafeteria, cup in hand, and decided to make her way to the floor once more. She needed to leave - get out of this hospital. Ironically, she wished she could forget everything for today. Leave her mind and remember the time when she was his. Alexis would be texting her soon, but if she got there before, she wouldn't have to sit through painful lunch conversations about how excited she was that her father was back.

Then it hit her. Her responsibility is over. For ten months, the latter ones were spent taking care of this girl. She made sure she was with someone every night; made sure that she was never without her when she was upset. But, she wasn't her mother. She had told her she would always be here. She would always be that person she could turn to, especially now. But Rick didn't know Kate. She was just someone on the street compared to him. He wouldn't trust his daughter with her. But if she could just explain - tell him what she means to her.

No. Kate brushed away the idea and pressed the elevator button. Her exhaustion hit her. It was late evening after a day of chasing a suspect, solving a case. She had forgotten about her morning. It should have been a happy day - especially if the one thing she had wanted all this time had happened. The one man that she begged every day would wake up had finally done so. Tears welled up in her eyes as it hit her. Everything. It would go away for a moment and then settle back in. She could pretend that it wasn't her reality. She was back before the car accident. Almost a year ago, before they decided to go to dinner. She had insisted they go out, it was a Friday night. _They were still young_, she declared. She wanted to get out of her casual work clothes and put on something pretty. Kate wanted to do her hair perfectly and have him tell her how beautiful she looked. She wanted to have fun. Her selfishness caused them to be in this situation. Her Castle, the one that loved her, would do anything to make this change. He could never be without her, and she couldn't be without him. He would create some magnificent, unrealistic plan to somehow make it all better. But, now. The one that sat in the hospital bed three floors above her, never remembered feeling like that.

The doors opened and people hurried out. Kate got inside, alone. She pressed the button that would bring her to this world that she had just recently escaped. It began to move, slowly. She felt the gears turning below her feet and the weightlessness of the machine kick in. Her hands pressed against the back of the wall as she squeezed her eyes tight. She tried to push away everything that was happening. Water flowed down her face as the doors opened. It wasn't her floor, but the person saw her inside the box and decided to wait for the next one. Kate let the doors close and bring her one more floor up to the man who she needed most. She pressed the hold button before the doors could force her into the sight of the nurses. Kate slid to the ground and held her knees as she sobbed into her jeans. The longing was familiar, but it had subdued for a while only to force itself back into her life; the juggernaut of emotion that slapped her across the face. When she let the pressure escape her head and her chest relaxed, she stood. Kate fixed her hair in the mirror above her and wiped her eyes. She unlocked the elevator and went to face the girl who awaited her. The one that she would let come over to her apartment and be her daughter for one more night.

* * *

The silence enveloped the room; newly developed awkwardness sat between them as they ate dinner. Alexis chewed the pizza that had arrived ten minutes earlier. Kate sat across, doing the same. Her apartment was her safe zone. Although they couldn't talk about anything, this apartment made it seem okay.

" – are you going to work tomorrow?"

"I haven't decided. What are you going to do?"

"I want to go back to the hospital, but it's not fair to you."

"No, Alexis. Please. Don't let me stop you. I want you to. He's your father. He remembers you. Don't waste this time because of me."

Alexis looked at Kate, trying to be okay with her words, but guilt flooded her choices.

"Maybe I'll come with you to work, or stay here if you don't go, and then I'll go visit him tomorrow."

"Okay, here's what we can do. We can do a half day at the precinct – you can go with Lanie or me – and then I'll drive you to the hospital."

Alexis shook her head. She desperately wanted to spend every moment with her father. He had been brought back to life in her mind. He was given a second chance; they all were.

"Okay, then it's settled. I'm not going out in the field tomorrow, so we can just stop in around lunch time. Tonight, we can do whatever you want."

"It's been a long day, so maybe just a movie?"

"Sure."

Kate's words were shaky. Her need to cry, to scream, was banging on the wall that separated them from her appearance. Alexis couldn't see her do any of that. She would break the rules and talk to her father. Kate knew that he needed time.

"Clean up the dishes for me and I'll put away the pizza. Then we can see what's on."

Alexis stood up, doing as she was told.

"Oh, and I talked to Martha. She will be home, not tomorrow, but the day after."

"So, Thursday."

"Yeah."

Days became blurred together today. She forgot it was Tuesday, or that it was the end of January. Her time had stopped and forced the recent weeks to disappear for a while. But, remembering that it was Tuesday, and that in two days it would be Thursday, grounded her for a moment.

After Alexis had fallen asleep, after their movie and they had moved into their rooms – Alexis in her makeshift room in the guest room – Kate would call her father. He wouldn't mind the time. She needed to tell him.

* * *

Alexis woke up, her eyes groggy. It was dark. She felt for her phone that was plugged in next to her bed.

_1:47_

Her throat was dry. She sat up and flung her feet around the blankets. The floor was cold and begged her to go back to sleep. But, she opened the door and blindly made her way for the kitchen. The lights were off besides the one over the sink that Kate always left on. She felt her way as her eyes adjusted to the light. She reached for the cabinet, but stopped. Kate was awake, she heard her muffled voice down the hall. She was going to bed, or at least that was what she had said. Alexis moved around the wall to look down the hallway – Kate's bedroom. The dim light shone underneath the crease in the door, but Alexis didn't go in. She stood against the wall in the kitchen and listened.

"Dad, I'm fine. Yes. No, don't come over - No. Alexis is here, I don't want to upset her."

Kate breathed in, holding in everything she needed to let out.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

Alexis heard Kate's voice getting shaky as the conversation went to a close. Her head peaked down the hallway again. Kate had hung up the phone, but the light remained lit. Alexis turned her head to the right realizing she could see Kate through the reflection of the hall mirror.

She hung up her cell phone, put it on the nightstand. She sat on the bed and looked at her feet, but her mind was somewhere else. Her hand moved, supposedly grazing the spot next to her as she admired it. Her face began to crinkle; her body sliding down into the bed. Her breaths became heavy, weighted her beginning sobs.

Alexis slid back into the kitchen, tears beginning to form. She couldn't understand most of this, but knew that it was hurting Kate. She wouldn't ask; mostly because Kate wouldn't share. Alexis forgot about her water and quietly went back into the guest room, letting Kate have her moment of hidden sadness.

* * *

_Thoughts? _

_Where do you think it should go? It's finally Thanksgiving break, so another chapter should be up shortly. Then winter break and Surprises should continue. _

_Last week's lyrics were from It's Time by Imagine Dragons. There isn't one this week.  
_

_ - Meg  
_


	9. Chapter 9

She could do this. Just a simple conversation to see where they're at. Alexis had talked about it earlier. Asked questions – prompts – that might trigger a hidden event.

But, he doesn't remember any of her, just like she thought. And now it was her turn.

Kate stood in the hallway and ignored the sympathetic stares from the nurses next to her. Four footsteps and she would be face to face with the doorway.

_Move your damn foot._

Kate needed the courage. It wasn't that she dreaded seeing him. She wanted to fly into that room. See his face, feel his touch.

But, he didn't want her – he didn't remember wanting her. And that made walking these four steps unbearable.

"Miss, do you need help?"

Kate turned and saw an unfamiliar nurse looking at her; his eyes meeting her confused ones.

" - Nick, she's fine," a nurse behind the counter said.

Kate watched this happen. Her face turning to the sounds of the speakers. Her eyes glancing over them, but her mind wasn't here.

The nurse kept walking to his destination and the one behind the counter continued with her typing.

Kate began walking, put her hand against the wall and looked to the ground; listened. Nothing, no noise. His television was off. The doctors must have informed him that she was coming.

_The woman from three days earlier. _

She pushed a hair behind her ear and walked into his room, still hidden by the wall. The foot of his bed met her eyes, a familiar sight. She had done this part before. The smell, the illumination of the room - all of this was the same. But, the foot at the end of the bed moved. That was new.

Kate turned the corner and came face to face with Richard Castle. His eyes met hers and she felt a gasp – a breath - try to escape. Her chest tightened. She felt her feet nail to the ground. Silence sat between them, neither knowing what to say.

"Hey - "

"I - "

"No you - "

"You - "

Kate smiled. This didn't need to be awkward. It was still _him_. He still existed. She needed to remember that. He didn't forget his entire life, his personality - who he was. That was still very much there.

"I thought you were coming later, got my times mixed up I guess. Here, let's sit at the table," he said, motioning to the small corner table near the window. Seats across from each other, separated.

"Okay."

He was dressed in the clothes she had brought just a day before he woke up. She replaced them in his dresser every now and again, just to make sure.

Just in case.

His jeans fit loosely, he had lost weight, but the gray t-shirt hugged just like she remembered.

He walked before her and she stopped herself from grazing his arm. She sat in the seat that he pulled out for her, smiling silently as he walked to his.

And then silence.

Nothing.

Where do we start. So many things that he's missing. What if he doesn't want her anymore. Thinks it's too hard - moving on would be the best.

Kate's heart quickened as fears that weren't yet reality clouded her mind.

"So, tell me about yourself. Lets here the back story."

_Same old Castle._

This could be a little sudden. Kate decided that the past he needed to know was the one where she was a cop. She had a team, she helped people. She went through her quick story, bringing him up to pace, but without mentioning how he fit into it.

"Okay - and I'm assuming you already know about me," he smiled.

She smiled back, a painful, yet amused grin.

"Yes," she laughed, "I guess I do."

Their conversation remained light. They talked about being a detective. About how he was fascinated with it all.

"Tell me how we met."

Kate's eyes matched her decreasing smile. It caught her off guard.

"O - Okay," she said, pushing her hair out of her face.

She went through the story. How she walked into a bar after work. He was sitting in the corner. He laughed when she said how he couldn't take his eyes off of her. She had found it strange – the staring - but let it happen.

"And you pestered me with little drinks and stares until I finally let you have dinner with me."

"Sounds like it was amazing."

It was.

"How long - "

"It's almost two years. You were awake for one."

Castle breathed in. His hand brushed his hair and the other stretched out on his jeans.

"This is a lot - I should go, let you - "

"No," he said, touching her hand to stop her from getting up.

"I - I mean, I want to hear it. All of it. This was my life and I – I don't remember it. This man you know – me – he loved you. Alexis told me. And I don't remember feeling that. And, if my daughter likes you then I must have liked you too."

Kate sat back this mean that he wanted to continue this. _Them._

"Where was our first real date?"

Kate breathed in and readjusted her seat.

"You took me to a fancy restaurant. You were trying to impress me. You had a dress sent over to my apartment - which I found annoying and almost didn't go - but, I did. We had dinner and you drove me home. You have this way of making everyone want more - of anything - your books, your talks. Just by looking at me, I knew it. You kissed me on the cheek and said goodnight. I would never change a thing about that night. You were sweet. A little egotistical. But, you were a gentleman."

They both laughed forcing the awkwardness to subside and eventually leave.

"Sounds like me."

He stopped, stared at her. His blue eyes filled with something. An emotion.

"What?"

Castle sighed, shrugged his shoulders.

"I just, I don't know how I got you."

* * *

_Short chapter. More to come later._

_Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans!  
_


	10. Chapter 10

_4 months later_

* * *

"How does it look?"

"It looks fine."

"_Fine_. I can't have fine. I need something more - something - "

"Dad, you can't change the past."

Rick Castle fumbled with the tie that he had tried to knot for ten minutes now. Every time he thought he had gotten it right he had found something wrong with it.

"Well how did I wear it last time?"

"I don't know. I'm not even sure if it's the same one," Alexis said, standing up from his bed.

"Alexis - "

"Dad, it is. It's fine. You wore that tie, I promise."

"I just - this has to go well."

"What are you worried about? You have her, she's not leaving."

"Yes, but I don't remember getting her."

* * *

Kate straightened the dress that Castle insisted she wear. It had hung in the back of her closet for two years now, untouched. The black fabric fell over her legs just as she remembered. The low v-neck and the necklace that she had thought she'd sold. Her shoes were different - the original ones had broken in a chase, leaving her with a bruise on her knee for the following week.

Her phone - resting on her dresser across the room - buzzed for her attention.

_He's nervous. _

Kate read Alexis' text - something else that was different this time around. He was nervous last time, but she didn't have a teenage girl warning her. Kate decided not to answer it, but to let the events of this night unfold. He would be here in half an hour. Alexis had given him the address, but Kate asked if they could take a cab to where they needed to go.

She didn't want him driving.

* * *

"Okay, you have your keys?"

"I'm not driving."

"Yea, but if - "

" - my car appears at the restaurant across town?"

"What if you can't get back in the loft?"

"Where are you going?" he questioned.

"Nowhere."

"Your grandmother?"

"Okay, I get it. Fine. Don't bring your keys. But, you will need your wallet."

"I know."

"Did you pick up flowers like I said?"

"Yes."

"The white ones."

"Yes."

"Are you sure - I don't see - "

"Alexis."

"Fine," she said, settling back onto his bed.

"Now who's the nervous one."

* * *

Castle arrived at her apartment just like he said - at 8. They exchanged smiles, glances. He said she looked beautiful, she thanked him, said he looked handsome. Just like they had done two years ago.

"You ready?"

"Yea, let me grab my purse."

Kate went back into the kitchen where her clutch sat on the island. Her phone buzzed when she reached the table.

_Did he make it?_

Kate quickly responded to Alexis while walking back to the door.

"Is it her?"

"Yeah."

"I think she's more nervous than I am."

"Why are you nervous?" Kate said, smiling - hiding her own nerves. "We've been through this before,_ remember?_"

"Ha, funny."

* * *

They made it to the restaurant within the hour. Castle had reserved the same table - with some help from stories and his daughter. Their waiter - although different - brought out the same bottle of wine.

"Should we make this really weird and order the same thing?"

"What did I order."

"Oh, now where is the fun in that?"

"I feel like I came to class and didn't read the assignment," he mumbled, turning the page in the bound menu.

Kate smiled, looking back at hers. She knew exactly what she ordered last time - and hated it. One more thing to make that night begin horribly. She felt compelled to suffer through the same thing - grab on to the good memories that led after. But, she decided not too. Tonight was a new night. A new memory for both.

* * *

Their food came - Kate ordering something different - as did Castle. Their small talk carried through the night. Kate, although trying to be comfortable, felt awkward - out-of-place. She thought they could pick it back up.

"Tell me - what was it that made it so special?" Castle said, interrupting her thoughts, "that night. Our first real date."

"Spontaneity," Kate said, bringing a bite of food to her mouth. "You didn't tell me the restaurant and afterward, you controlled everything. How much I wanted you, how much you were going to give. You paid. Then you drove me home. Through the night I became so into you. Honestly, I didn't think it was going anywhere. It was your charm - I was thinking just a fling. I would have taken you up to my place if the opportunity presented itself. But, you kissed me on the cheek and said 'until next time.' I watched you walk to your car and drive away. You left me stunned."

"That's going to be pretty hard to beat."

Kate smiled, but finally understood him. He didn't know this. This was his plan to surprise her - last time. She knew all of his tricks - and he didn't know which ones they were.

"You're doing fine so far."

"Not too déjà vu."

"No, I like it."

"I have something new planned tonight. We didn't do this, that I know of."

"Oh do you. And how do you know that we haven't done it."

"I asked Alexis and she said I never mentioned it."

"She could be lying."

"Katherine Beckett, I would think you would have faith in my attempts to regain your attraction."

Kate silently gave him this one. His win in their pointless, small, amusing banter. But, what she wanted to tell him was that he never lost it. She was still madly, dizzily in love with the man who sat in front of her.

* * *

When they finished - and the check was paid - they got into a taxi.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

When they reached Castle's loft, Kate looked confused to his grinning face. Castle walked around the taxi - after paying - and opened her door, hand stretched out.

"We're going to your place?" Kate said, flirtatious and suspicious.

"No, were going _above_ my place."

Kate knew that he owned a space of roof above the building, but he was right. They never went up. It had gotten cooler on the warmer spring day. Her short-sleeved dress was going to quickly make her cold.

She took his hand which led her to the front door. Goosebumps trailed her arms and her hair responded to the breeze that greeted them.

They got into the elevator and - as suspected - took it to the roof. Inside, Castle took off his jacket and put it around her arms - her head resting on his shoulder as they made their way up.

The door opened and bright, Christmas lights trailed the perimeter. Silence surrounded the area and the stairs they stood on lead to a small end table with a while table-cloth.

"Rick this -"

"Did I beat last time?"

She turned to him, eyes looking up to his. She brushed away the hair in front of his face brought on by the wind.

"Yeah, you did."

The night traveled on - champagne was opened and consumed. Their talking turned into dancing with no music. Castle's hands around her waist, hers around his neck.

"For a writer, this is a bit clichéd."

"But you like it."

"That I do."

"What would old me do now?"

"I don't know. Old you never slow danced on a rooftop."

His hand moved her hair behind her ear and his eyes looking down to hers - a height difference caused by shoes being removed an hour ago.

Kate bit her lip, her hand rubbing his ear.

Then he kissed her. Their second first kiss.

Different from her memory, but filled with the same passion and intensity as their other first real kiss.

She missed this. Her stomach tightened, filling itself with everything that she had wanted for over a year now. His warmth traveling down to her fingers. Her left hand around his ear.

He pulled away, smiling. Looking into her eyes.

"What."

"Nothing."

"What?"

"How many times have I done that?"

"It doesn't matter. It was - is - never enough."

A bench in the distance made itself known as the moon traveled across the sky, illuminating different parts of the rooftop.

Grabbing his hand, Kate led him to the left side of the roof.

He sat down, brought her close to him. Let her head rest on his shoulder, her feet stretched out down the end.

"When was the last time we kissed - before the - you know - do you remember?"

"Yeah, I remember," she said, traveling back - past the darkness in her life. She adjusted her feet, pulled closer to his arms.

"We were coming home from a movie - some indie film you were dying to see. It was three days before. We were walking home - we went to the theater around the corner - and you stopped. I didn't notice so you pulled my hand back. I turned and you had this contagious smile on your face - the one that lights up your eyes. I didn't know what you were doing so I walked back to you. You put your hands around my face and did almost exactly what you did just now. When we were done, I asked you why."

"What did I say?"

"You said - because you didn't tell me how beautiful I looked when we left."

Silence sat between them, a sense of confusion.

"You said that because I had been sick all week. I didn't want to leave the house and I went in your t-shirt and a pair of leggings. My hair was a mess and I didn't put on any make-up. I didn't eat all week. I was miserable. But, that was the first time I felt happy during that tired, draining day. You were busy with meetings and didn't have time to take care of me."

He sat quiet, absorbing this part of his life that he can't remember.

A tear strayed from her eye, her hand coming up to wipe it away. Castle sat up, moving her body.

"What's wrong?"

She smiled, looking up at him, her head leaning on his chest.

"Three days later I almost lost you. Four days later I realized that might have been the last time I got to do that."

"Well, let's make sure that _that's_ not the last time either."

* * *

Thoughts?


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: I forgot to add it, but last chapter starts four months after he woke up. And, because of time and school, medical details will not be added to a large extent. If I had done this over winter break (when I'm doing Surprises), then yes. It would be more thought out. I'm sorry if it is taking away from the story. I'm trying my hardest to fit in chapters as much as I can, but it is the end of the semester and my fellow college students will know that it is a very stressful and busy time._

_I still hope you enjoy this.  
_

* * *

"How did it go?"

"Fine."

"_Fine_?"

"Annoying, isn't it?"

"Dad."

"It went really well - I think."

"Details?"

"Hold on, I need to get my hair braiding kit..."

"Funny."

"Alexis, I'm not sharing my date details with you."

"Fine," she said, "I'll just find them out for myself."

"How?"

"I have my ways."

Alexis walked away from the kitchen island, headed for her room.

"Don't think Kate's going to tell you," Castle said, calling to her as she walked up the stairs.

"We'll see about that," she said, teasing.

Alexis knew Kate had to tell her. With how close they had become. And they both had a lot riding on the success of this date.

* * *

_I'm not telling you._

"What!" Alexis called out, droping her phone on the bed. She wasn't angry, but she was definitely annoyed.

"Told you," she heard from downstairs - her father reassuring her that he was right.

She left her room and headed for the stairs, seeing him lying on the couch, phone in hand.

"Who are you texting?"

"Who are _you_ texting?"

She walked next to him, already in her pajamas, but he was still in his suit, lying vertically on the sofa.

"Why aren't you telling me anything?"

"Because that'd be gross."

"I don't want to know _that_. I want to know if there will be a second date."

Castle stood up, walked around the couch while still looking at his phone. But, he reached his daughter and stopped.

"There will definitely be a second date," he said, reassuringly, kissing her on the top of her head. He said goodnight, sending her back to her room.

* * *

_I feel bad, I mean. Do I owe her something? An explanation? _

_ What's there to explain_?

Castle replied to the detective who he had just said goodbye to. A goodbye that lasted twenty minutes in a paused elevator - like two teenagers trying to hang up the phone. Nauseating hand holding, eye hooking, and tiny kisses. Alexis would never let him forget it if she knew.

_Well, we didn't talk about this yet, but I feel kind of responsible to let her know. While you were gone, we got close._

_ I know. She told me. That doesn't mean that we need to fill her in on anything._

_Maybe you don't. Because that would be gross. But from girl to girl? Maybe I'll spill a little._

_ I think that might still be gross._

He put his phone down on the dresser in his room and loosened his tie. Showering in the morning was the best decision since it was already past midnight, so he grabbed some clothes from his dresser and moved to the bathroom.

When he returned, in boxers and a t-shirt, a message awaited him.

_ Well, it's not like they're grossest details. We still have some to come. _

She was hinting. Kate was playing with him.

* * *

_2 Weeks Later_

"I know, but I don't think I'm comfortable."

"She'd be in college by now. Technically she would be on her way to becoming a sophomore next semester."

"But she isn't. She's at home."

"I know, but she's not supposed to be."

"I don't know. A party? In the Hamptons. For the weekend. I think she'd be better off here."

"I let her go to a party."

"You did? Where?"

"With her high school friends."

"When?"

"Two months before you woke up. She wanted to go to a movie and then to a party at her friend's house. Martha was out of town, so Alexis was staying with me."

Castle became quiet. The air had warmed, it being almost May, forcing him to carry his jacket on his arm. They were walking back from the coffee place by the precinct. The plan was to drop her off at work when they had finished. Their quick coffee date was something that had become a daily thing as of a week ago.

"Don't worry. I made sure she got there and came home - made sure she was okay. She wasn't upset . . . What's wrong?"

"I forget that she's not sixteen anymore. She was barely seventeen when I - " he said, stopping. Ignoring the weight behind his sentence.

"I know. I thought about it a lot. When you woke up . . " Kate trailed off. She didn't want to approach this conversation. Not here, on the corner of a busy street. She had fifteen minutes left of her lunch break and she didn't want to spend it talking about the past. Even though they had spent the majority of these walks discussing things that he missed - plays that Martha had, Alexis' graduation.

"Come over tonight. Please. We need to talk."

"I know. Okay."

* * *

"Hey."

The awkward sense returned. Slightly. It grazed the corners of the room waiting to ooze its way back into their lives.

"I made dinner," he said, leaving room for her to walk through the door, shutting it when she entered.

Kate took her coat off, put her purse by the door – like she had done before. Castle noticed the familiarity she had. She walked around, grabbed a cup and a drink by herself. She probably didn't notice, he thought. She was used to this place.

He followed her, serving her plate and his.

"Oh, I'm – should I have – " Kate sighed. It was weird –_ this._ She knew everything. It was exhausting reminding herself that _they _were new. She might remember, but the old Rick was gone. This was all starting over.

"No, you're good. It's just strange to me."

"I'll sit down."

"Well now your already halfway to getting everything you need, so just go for it."

He served the pasta and put the plates across from each other. They would eat in the middle of the table instead of next to each other – like they had done when they had dinner with Alexis. Kate had felt like it was starting to come back to normal. Her life. Their life.

But how do you regain a full year of a relationship back in a couple of months. Especially their fueled relationship. They moved faster than most did in six months. And now she knew his daughter – who felt like her own.

Kate joined him at the table. They spent the first few moments talking about their food, the taste, the smell. Things that made small conversation.

"We do need to talk," Castle interrupted.

"I know. I just – I like where we are."

"And where is that?"

"I have no idea."

Kate shifted in her seat, put her wine glass down beside her plate.

"While you were gone, Alexis took it rough – is she here? I didn't think to ask –"

"No, she's out with . . . Lanie? They are at some exhibit."

"Oh, that's right. I know. We talked about that - "

" - see, that's what I mean."

"What?"

"You know my current daughter more than I do."

"Rick – I. I don't – "

"I know, we can't do anything about it. We were handed a bunch of shitty cards that I don't know how to play with. The Alexis I remember is not the Alexis I have now."

"When you were gone, she was hurt. She thought you were dead, she told me herself. You were gone for ten months. _Ten_ months. She graduated. She looked at colleges, but decided against it. She went to her mother's – "

" - she told me that."

" – she didn't know how to handle it. She was lost. And her mother didn't help. Martha broke down. I did too. I missed you. But, I didn't let her see. I helped her through it even though she didn't want me too. Castle, she didn't understand. And now, that your back – she's worried."

"About what?"

"She was texting you and asking you about our date because she's afraid she will lose me. And I was too. I told her that I would never leave her, but if you asked me too – I don't know what to do."

"I know it's hard. But, I don't know you. I know that I am surprised. I think you're interesting. You – you're beautiful. I'm curious. But, I didn't let anyone get too close to Alexis. The only serious relationship I remember is my second wife. Alexis gets hurt easily, but she doesn't let it show. So, when you talk about these things that she's done – I mean, dammit, I missed her high school graduation!"

Kate looked at the man in front of her. He was angry. He was hurt.

"I know this is going to be hard. It _is_ hard. For all of us. We're trying to regain – well, I want to have what we had, and you need to get to know me. And while you're getting to know me, I have to sit through it. The man I loved – love – is sitting in front of me and has no idea who I am. I can't just walk into your loft and kiss you. I can't get a drink of water because I shouldn't know how to."

Tears began to form in her eyes, a lump inched up her throat. She felt the emotion rise from her stomach. She tried to push it down as long as she could. But, it wasn't working.

"Castle, I don't know. I haven't been with you in over a year! We were madly in love. We couldn't spend more than two nights away from each other. And then you were taken from me only to come back and forget it all."

"But I don't remember."

"I know! And one night of sex isn't going to fix it. I know that. But what we had, where we were - I lost it all."

Kate was silently crying, water streaming down her face, but not clouding her words.

"Kate, I know. But, the hard truth is that I don't remember. I want to. I've tried so hard to remember. I would give anything to see what I saw. To see you and my daughter. The year that we had. Do you know what I found the other day? I found a ring. In my closet."

Kate lost her breath. Tears flowed harder, a hand came to her mouth.

"I went to look in the safe and a small box was staring at me and I have no memory of putting it there."

Kate's hand ran across her face, moisture from her face greeted the roots of her hair. She took a breath, but this was a lot. Things they were keeping from each other. He didn't remember her, and he was finding things – a ring.

"I was ready to marry you and I barely know you. I trusted you. I'm trying to trust you now. But, it's hard."

Silence sat between them, neither knowing how to break it. Kate sat up, uncrossed her legs and looked across the table.

"It's going to be really hard. We're going to fight and we're going to get mad. _R__eally _mad. But, I'm here," she said.

Castle looked up from his plate. His hands folded above his setting, his face saw hers.

"I'm in this, Kate. I'm not going anywhere. That first date – it was the best date I've ever had. I'm going to work at this. For Alexis, for me. For you."

* * *

_Thoughts?_

_Suggestions?  
_


	12. Chapter 12

_2 months later_

* * *

_I think we should be going. _

One sentence. _Just say it._

The sun was thinking about setting. Everyone had eaten and fireworks were being discussed. One sentence and she could be away from everyone.

Kate knew that Castle wanted to stay to see the fireworks, but with the way things were going...

These fireworks held nothing in comparison.

_I think we should be going..._

* * *

Kate listened. She stood next to her boyfriend as he discussed his latest plans to kick-start - or _re_start - his latest and newest series of novels. The Nikki Heat novel - still in infancy stages of development - was occupying his time. After reading his notes and talking to various people, he knew what the old Castle was getting at. The topic of shadowing her was just around the corner.

Kate smiled and laughed when appropriate. Her happiness wasn't faked, but it was impatient. She shifted to her other heel, secretly dancing between the two. Turning to look over her shoulder, her hair picked up in the wind and tickled her arm. As she was brushing it behind her back again, she spotted Alexis. The girl was across the park discussing something amusing with Lanie.

Kate smiled at the way her life was turning out. Alexis was regaining her confidence. She still woke up, upset - calling her at various hours of the morning. Kate would talk the girl down from a panic attack. Suggest coming over to the loft - something she did only once. Alexis never wanted to alarm her father. Dreams invaded her sleep of times where he was gone forever. Anxiety forced her awake and into the world where he existed; however, her body was reacting from her fear inside her dreams.

But, now. Across the field in the sundress she had bought earlier in the week - she looked happy.

Kate brought a hand up across Castle's back causing him to stir in his sentence and look down at her. Kate rubbed his back and smiled, not wanting to talk - just to remind him of her.

But then she decided to part from this dragging conversation.

"I'll be right back."

She crossed the field to the other side where Alexis and Lanie stood. Her wedges felt soft underneath of her, complimenting her movement. She could sense the stare from her left, but ignored it. She looked good, but only for one reason.

"Detective,"

"Cut it out, Lanie," she said, happily.

"Kate."

"Hey, are you staying for fireworks?" Alexis asked.

"Maybe. I don't know what your father's plans are. I think I'm going to try to get him to leave a little early, but - "

"Girl, are you - "

"Lanie - "

"I'm just saying it's been a while, and we we're talking today – "

"I don't need to be hearing this." Alexis said, pushing a hand in front of her.

"Alexis, you can leave when you want - the party, not the conversation. If you need a ride, I can come get you or I'm sure any one of us would be happy to drive you home. If you want to stay for fireworks . . ."

"Kate, go. I got her." Lanie answered.

Kate couldn't help the smile on her face when she said that. She'd hope Alexis would stay for fireworks and that she wouldn't be the one coming to get her. It was New York City and there were many ways of transportation. And, besides Kate's selfish reasons, she wanted Alexis to get out of the loft as much as she could. She wanted her to be herself again.

"Okay, well I'm going to go start to get him going," she said, looking at the crowd gathered around him, " . . . it's going to take a while."

Kate turned, making her way back to where she was standing.

"Kate!" Alexis called back.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to go to a friend's house after this. I'll probably stay there."

_Thank God._

"Okay, just text someone."

"Got it."

* * *

"Castle, you ready?"

"For what?"

"I was thinking we'd head out a little early."

"Before the fireworks," he whined.

"Yeah, I'm not feeling the greatest."

"Okay, yeah. Sure. Fine. Let me go say goodbye to - I don't remember their names, but. Be right back. Are you okay here?"

"Yeah, I'm great. Go say goodbye. But don't get wrapped up."

He smiled and walked to the end of the picnic tables. Kate watched as he came up behind the group of people containing Esposito, and just recently, Ryan. His hand patted the back of the man to his left, and he looked to Esposito. His smile stretched across his face as he said his farewells. His hands putting motion to his words - he was making them laugh. But, within the next few minutes, he made his way back to her.

"You ready."

"Yeah. I'm ready."

* * *

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, just a headache. Nothing aspirin can't fix."

_That was a lie. She felt fine._

"Okay, I just don't want to keep you at my apartment if you don't feel well."

He opens the door as it registers.

"I meant – I love that you're here. I just don't want you to be wanting to be at home but actually be here, instead – "

Kate let him ramble – waited for him to get into his apartment enough for this to work.

She pushed him through the door making his keys drop and echo through the empty apartment. A hand at his chest, the other behind her to shut the front door, she pulled at his shirt to get him to come closer to her.

"I thought you didn't feel well."

"I don't," she said, suggestively.

She began to unbutton his shirt as she kissed his confused face.

"Kate . . . are you sure."

"Shush, Castle."

_Okay_

Kate wasn't the only one waiting for this deadlock in their relationship to move. From his perspective, he knew her for two months – and they'd spent a lot of time together. _A lot of PG time. _Dinners with his daughter and mother, movies, shopping, coffee dates. But, he was doing it for her. Going at her pace. But, now…

He grabbed her hair – twisted it in his fingers and under her head. His shirt was almost on the floor, hers was about to match.

Castle's feet began to move, bringing them closer to the center of the loft.

Kate pushed his back against the pillar, her hand over his head.

"Maybe we should – "

"Don't"

"Move – over there."

He tried to move them, but it wasn't working.

"Here's fine."

But, his hands unlocked. Her body untangled. Something fell upstairs. A loud bang.

"Oh my God."

"But – "

"Castle, who's here?" she said, finding her shirt.

"No – nobody. I thought – "  
"

Richard! Is that you?"

Martha's voice bellowed through the loft.

"I thought she was out!" Kate hissed.

"I thought she was too!"

Kate ran, picked up her shirt, and headed to the bedroom to hide.

_Well that's one way._

Martha made her way down the stairs, hands grazing the rail as she began her emphasized story.

"Richard – is someone here?"

"No. Why. Why would you say that. No one's here."

"Why is your shirt on the floor."

"I – I don't. Oh. Yea. It was – I was. I was coming back from the laundry room. And, you. The noise. You dropped something. It startled me."

"Oh, Richard. You've always been a jumpy, ever since you were a boy," she said, now holding her purse and keys, headed for the door.

"Well, I'm off. It's the Fourth of July. Go take that beautiful girlfriend of yours and find some fireworks."

Martha left, shutting the door one more time.

Castle looked around, assuming Kate really did run into the bedroom. He turned the corner, but didn't see her. But, he felt her. Her hands wrapped around his waist as she put her chin next to his ear.

"You heard your mother, jumpy boy. Show me some fireworks."

* * *

_Thoughts?_

_Thank you to all that have been reading. I love your reviews and your support for my stories! As I approach finals in the next two weeks, I will be stressed and tired. But, writing is an escape and I will try to get some more chapters up!  
_

_Wish me luck :D  
_

_ - Meg  
_


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: I am so sorry that I've disappeared from both stories! I can't apologize enough, but finals week was more stressful than it should have been. But, I'm back! I hope you enjoy._

* * *

5 Months Later/11 Months After

"Alexis, are you ready?"

Castle paced in front of his stairs, waiting. Checking the time on his watch, he should be on his way to the mall right now. It was almost an hour away from the city, making it a little less chaotic around this time. He was planning on heading out by himself, but decided at the last moment to bring Alexis along for Christmas shopping: part two. She was out with her friends when she received the panicked text message asking her to come home for a Christmas emergency.

"Alexis!"

"I'm right here, Dad," the girl said as she ran around the corner, making her way down the stairs. She wanted to change into a more "shopping - suitable" outfit before bracing the winter crowds once more.

* * *

They arrived at the mall a little over an hour later making this trip already tedious. Traffic was standstill at almost every entrance. The slush - that was once a blanket of snow just a few days earlier - coated the edges of the parking lot, making parking even more slim.

"If I could just get one parking spot. One. That's all I ask."

"Try parking somewhere else. The food court might not be the best place to get a spot."

Castle turned down the road that led him to the opposite side of the mall. He knew where the good spots were, he always had this planned out every year, but he was stressed and things were being overlooked.

"Lets get a spot that's in the weird section of a department store. No one parks there and we can find the car when we need to leave."

He listened to his daughter and decided on the luggage entrance of Macy's. Nobody should be -

They were wrong.

But, as he turned down the third aisle, there was a family walking towards their car, a mini van.

Castle veered to the left, let the family take their time getting their kids into the van, putting their bags into the trunk – and the stroller, and it turns out they also had an elderly woman – their grandmother – who was straggling way behind. He waited. He would have waited an eternity to find a spot. Any spot.

"Finally . . ." he said as he turned the wheel to park the car.

"Maybe everyone will be spread out at the mall . . . let up the lines?"

"Let's hope."

* * *

Castle was trying to let his stress-induced irritation limit the snappy remarks that he wanted to throw at the people walking too close to him. Normally he would engage with a child that ran into his legs by accident. But, because the parents didn't even notice their child was straggling behind him forced his attention go to them instead of the confused three year old. After returning the wandering toddler, they made their way into the crowded entrance of one of Alexis' stores. He saw the line and decided to make his way towards it so he could jump in right as it died down.

"I'm sure you will find her the perfect gift," Alexis said, interrupting his thoughts. She had grabbed the sweater that she missed yesterday and joined him in the ten-person-deep line.

Surprised that she read his mind, he looked at his daughter who had appeared next to him.

This was his first Christmas with Kate. Actually, it was his first Christmas with everyone that he had met in the past five years. What do you get for the woman who has known you for almost three years, but you only have dated for five months.

"You know her better, what should I get?"

"I don't know. This is important, it's the first gift of the relationship."

"What did I get her the first time?"

"I don't think repetition would work."

"What was it - "?

"Dad,"

"Alexis."

"You gave her a key. To the loft."

"Damn."

The line inched forward.

"Well, do you think she wants that?"

"Dad, she already has one."

"Oh, right."

Castle slid his hands into his pockets and looked ahead to the front of the line. Really, another argumentative customer is at bat. It's the holidays and the teenager behind the desk has probably been here for hours. She was politely answering every question that the people in line had. Gift receipts, gift cards, returns...He can hear their argument from here - something about not having I.D. for a credit card. At least this place checks...

"Dad, try thinking about non-material things. Maybe go down that path?"

He turned his attention back to his daughter. She had a point. It's been a fun, but stressful, five months with Kate. They have tried to have a normal relationship, but she knew things that he didn't - both good and bad. Their first arguments that he stupidly wanted to know about only to reopen one that he didn't even remember starting. Kate was holding on to her patience, but it was running thin.

"I think you're right - " he answered.

"Do something for her that she wants. She's a cop, so her days a long. You know that. Maybe just give her a night to herself."

He thought about it and it made sense. Maybe dinner, a movie. Something nice and quiet -

"Just, let me know. I'll leave."

"Alexis - "

"No, I don't want to know. I don't care what you do, but I'm going to be at a friend's house or something. Just let me know what night."

"Okay."

"Oh! Maybe you can surprise her?"

"Alexis, that sounds like a great idea."

* * *

They left the mall a few hours later after having grabbed something to eat and a few more things for people who probably didn't need them. He loaded the bags into the backseat of the car.

But, he dropped the bag. His hands felt clammy. He had felt off for a bit now, but brushed it off as stress. Something triggered a thought - a day-dream?

He saw his car. Bags, but different bags. There was a box in the furthest seat – pans? Maybe it was pots and pans. He didn't know. It was bulky and taking up most of the back seat and for some reason he felt like he needed to put something in the trunk.

Castle put a hand to the roof of the car. He was getting dizzy. He closed his eyes, but saw his car again. But, instead of red hair in the passenger seat, it was brown.

Castle let his eyes open, a hand to his face to avoid to sun. He rubbed his eyes and shut the back door to make his way to the driver's seat.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine."

He was still dizzy. He couldn't see too far in front of him.

"Dad,"

He rubbed his eyes again, trying to focus."

"Alexis – "

"Do you want me to drive – "

"No, I'm good. It's far away and – when did you get your license?"

"Almost a year ago."

"I don't want you to be driving on the highway – just," he waved her off, but was hit by fatigue.

He tried to focus on the steering wheel, hands gripping on it. Make it tangible, make it real. He's here in the car with Alexis. Focus.

* * *

"Thanks for coming."

"No problem, what happened?"

"He got really dizzy, he was saying things, but I couldn't make them out. He scared me."

"You're okay," Kate said, giving the girl a smile. Her arm squeezed Alexis shoulder, giving her confidence. She received a phone call from Alexis saying that Castle was unable to drive home. It should have panicked Kate, but she was prepared for this. And, she was coincidentally close to the mall on a case.

"Well, let's get him to the doctor."

Kate got into the diver's seat as Alexis made room for herself in the back.

"Alexis, did you get all the bags – "

"Dad, don't worry. Detective Ryan came with her, he's going to take your car back to the loft."

"I'm going to call your doctor on the way, let him know what's up," Kate said, starting the engine before Castle could protest.

Before they reached the hospital, Kate and Ryan stopped on the side of the highway to swap Alexis into his car. It was probably going to be a long night and she didn't want to keep her at the hospital. It wasn't going to be bad. Kate was eerily calm. But, she had researched all of it. He wasn't showing any of the "panic" signs. He was just dizzy. And it was starting to fade.

They pulled into the non emergency side and walked into the waiting room where they had to sign in. Castle's doctor had previously given her his number if anything were to happen. When she called, he rearranged his schedule so he could see him, run some tests.

_See what's going on, _he said.

After they signed in and waited, they were shown to a waiting room.

"Can I ask you a question?" Castle said, breaking the silence.

They were sitting in a too-small, rectangle room. Kate was on a chair beside the bed that she insisted he sit on. They had an awkward height difference, but she didn't care. Kate also knew how he felt. He probably felt childish, never needing someone to take care of him like this.

"Yeah, what's wrong?"

"Did – did we go shopping at that mall?"

"No, Rick. You went with Alexis today," Kate said, trying to sound reassuring.

"No, I mean. Did we, ever?"

"Yeah – but. Rick. We haven't gone shopping there in two years?"

"What did we buy?"

"Why are you asking me this?" she said, sitting up in her chair. She was getting anxious, losing her calm demeanor.

"Because, I think – I don't know. This sounds stupid."

"It's not," Kate assured, putting her hands on his knees, "tell me."

Holding it back, she pulled the chair to face him. She wouldn't let herself think it. Not yet. False hope got her nowhere before.

"I think – "

_Say it, just – you know you can. We went to the mall together. We bought gifts. We bought too many and had to make separate trips to the car. We couldn't see out of the back seat so you moved some of them to the trunk. The bags piled up – perks of being rich and buying everyone the perfect gift. But, the box of pans she had gotten her father couldn't fit anywhere but the backseat._

Kate repeated the story in her head as he rubbed his eyes. A lump in her throat was pushing its way up, making her emotion scream out the hope that she was hiding.

"Did we buy pots and pans?"

* * *

_Thoughts? I promise the next update will be quicker than this one._


	14. Chapter 14

"So, are you saying - are you, wait. How - "

"His coma was trauma induced, but his memory loss was from his body rejecting it. His body went into shock. If there was any severe damage to the part of his brain that held memory, the cerebrum, then he would not regain any of this."

"But you said that he did have physical damage."

"Yes, but it missed this part of his brain. And, it's a miracle. The cerebrum is most of your brain, Mr. Castle."

Castle looks up from the table, unfolds his hands that are resting in his lap for too long. Listening to Kate and the doctor communicate only strengthened the childish nature that was occurring. He was sitting on a table listening to what happened for the thousandth time, still never knowing what to say. Kate knew this - what happened. She was there. She remembers. A person can only hear a story so many times before they begin to feel like it never happened - only, he knows it did.

"Rick?"

He snaps out of it, looking to his girlfriend.

"Yeah, I - I don't know. You're saying that I might remember?" he asks the doctor.

"Maybe. If you say you remember something from those couple of years then you might regain some of your memory."

"That's great," Kate says, her hand shaking his knee. She's giving him that smile. The reassuring grin that lights up the room. He smiles back, but is unsure about everything that's going on.

"Mr. Castle, did you have any feelings that came back with this memory?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said you were shopping? With Kate. Did you feel anything? Rushed, anxiety, love?"

"I - I'm not sure. I mean, I don't know. I only remember seeing something. Not - not like a vision, but how you see a memory."

"Okay. Well, the tests we ran didn't show anything. You are still normal - for your kind of normal. You are a miracle case."

"Then that's it?"

"Yep. You're good to go,"

Kate stands up to stop the doctor.

"What about his dizziness? What should we do about that?"

"Let's see if it continues. That shouldn't be related to your memory. It might be just from overworking yourself. You're still healing, Mr. Castle. Take it easy. Not too much too quick. But, if it continues or gets worse, we'll get you back in here and see if anything's different."

* * *

"Well, that's good news, right?" Kate says as they are walking to the car.

He wants to believe her, but it's hard. Remembering is all that he had wanted. To be able to see what his daughter did in that blacked out time. To feel the love for Kate that was only beginning to resurface now.

But, he also didn't want to. He wants to know how that love developed and only getting bits and pieces just doesn't seem fair. He want's to get the lead up to the greatest ending.

Castle gets into the car and buckles his seat belt, checks his cellphone.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Just exhausted."

"Well, you heard the doctor," she reminds as she's backing out of the parking spot, "you're doing too much too quickly."

"Yeah, I guess."

* * *

They arrive back at the loft where Alexis has fallen asleep on the couch.

"She must have stayed up to wait for you."

Castle crosses to the living room, gets the blanket from the trunk behind the couch and covers his daughter. Moving a strand of hair behind her ear, he kisses her forehead and turns the light out that's next to her. She'll move up to her room when she realizes the blanket on her, meaning that he is home.

"I'm going to stay, if that's okay with you?"

"No problem, Kate."

He pauses, looking down at his daughter.

"Hey, come here."

Castle moves to her and she grabs his hands.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. It's - this is all a lot."

"You're going to be okay. You _are_ okay."

"I know."

"Let's go to bed."

* * *

_They were at the park. She was bending down, picking up - picking up her keys that dropped. Was she - she was working. He visited her at work. She turned around and - was she crying?_

Castle jerked awake, saw the lump in the bed next to him and realized where he was. It'd been a week since he had first remembered anything. But, this was a dream. Was it real, but, the feeling. When he saw her crying a wave of emotion hit. He wanted to hug her. But, he would do that now, in this time. It was like he had been hurt too. Whoever hurt her was also hurting him. This - this love.

He looks over to her; Kate. Confused, he gets closer to her. Bringing the blankets back to his shoulders, he sneaks up beside her, trying not to wake her.

She turns, shifting in her sleep and is now face to face with him. But, she's in a deep sleep.

He looks at her. She's different. Before she was this woman who he was trying to know, but the one thing that always bothered him was preventing him from getting to know her. Yes, they were dating. They knew each other well enough to be sleeping in the same bed. He never let her know - but something was off. And it was keeping him from falling in love.

Her hair fell into her face when she moved, so he moves it back away from her eyelid, brushing by her ear.

His old self loved this girl. He had just felt it. He would have done anything for her. And he was beginning to understand why.

* * *

"How'd you sleep?"

"Good. You?"

"Really good."

"Can I ask you a question," he says, joining her at the island where she had a coffee waiting for him.

"Yeah, shoot."

"Did I ever visit you at work?"

"Yeah, all the time."

"When?"  
"Towards the latter part of our relationship. You wouldn't go near the precinct when we started dating. But, after you met the boys, you came around more often. You brought us coffee."

"Oh."

"Why? Did you have a memory?"

"Just, you were in a park. You were upset."

"Huh, I don't – hm, I don't remember that."

"You dropped your keys and when you turned to me you were crying."  
"

Maybe I was just having a rough day."

"Maybe."

Kate continues to make her breakfast, walking around the kitchen, setting out three plates.

"Was I in love with you?"

She stays silent, his words catching her off guard. She puts down the spoon that she was getting out to mix the eggs in front of her.

"I think so, yes."

"I mean, I've been in love before, but not like that."

"What do you mean – not like that?"

She turns to him, sees his fixed glance on her.

"When I saw you crying, I felt it. It's probably why I wanted to marry you."

She comes around to him, sits in the chair parallel to his.

"You know, this is confusing, and weird. And I don't know how we're getting through this as smoothly as we are, but you were my first."

"Your first – _when_ did we start dating?"

"Not that first," she laughs, "you were my first time that I actually felt in love – still do. And, I don't doubt that I was your first too – you told me many times."

She pauses, looks at his eyes that had wandered to the table in front of him. Her head dips, trying to see his look again.

"Castle, when you got into that accident I thought I'd lost you. I was here, safe, and you were somewhere else. I've told you this before. But, that love doesn't go away. I know it's taking time for you to find it, but it's there. And this is weird for me to be saying to you, but I trust that you will find it."

Footsteps, sluggishly making their way down the steps, interrupts their conversation.

"Morning," Alexis says, rubbing her eyes.

"Good morning."

"What are we talking about?"

"How we're going to get these presents under the tree without you trying to find out what's in it," Castle says, suddenly becoming his cherry personality again.

"Funny. Are you making breakfast?" she asks Kate.

"Yeah. I'm trying to make that thing we managed to throw together that one morning where we had nothing to eat."

"Oh yeah. And you only had some eggs and spices. We thought we were staying here but – "

" – but your grandmother invited friends over without us knowing – "

" – completely ruining our plan for a movie night."

The girls laugh, remembering it fondly – even though they were both secretly still annoyed for having to move.

"Oh jeez, did she break anything?" Castle says, knowing how his mother likes to party with her friends.

"Did you notice anything broken?" Kate answers, playfully.

"No, but I didn't check."

"It was nothing that you won't remember."

"Funny, " he sarcastically responds.

* * *

_Thoughts?_

_How far do you want me to take this story? I'll write as long as you guys are out there reading it!  
_


	15. Chapter 15

He wakes that morning still unsure of his plan. It would work; it had to. The nerves wouldn't stop, but after talking to Alexis, he gained confidence in his gift.

The sun was peaking through the blinds reminding him that it was time to get up and to not sleep in. Christmas shopping is done, but it's Christmas Eve. Kate was planning on coming over after her shift, only giving a phone call's warning about when she'd be here. Castle puts his feet to the floor, the arches forced up from the cold, and moves him to the dresser to find his sweatshirt. Even though the heat is on high, it doesn't stop the cold from seeping in through the windows. After adjusting to the warmth on his body, he walks to check the safe one more time - even though he checked twice last night. It's only by chance that this is happening. Some may call it fate, the doctors' said pure luck, but he thinks it's magic.

* * *

Kate picks up the phone for, what feels like, the thousandth time this morning to answer yet another question about this case. It's involving everyone and she's leading the force that's underneath her. It's labeled a homicide case, but they need the help of many departments – the victim was found stabbed, shot, and strangled in an alley with drugs in his system, a medical alert bracelet on, and a child's photograph in his wallet.

And that's all she has. Seems like a lot, but in reality, he's still a John Doe.

Castle insisted she take the day, but he doesn't remember that this is what she does. He understood after she explained it. And, even if she wanted to, she can't because this case has crossed her desk.

A text message brings her away from the last hang-up phone call. Thinking it's Lanie, she opens the message without looking, but quickly realizes that it's from him.

_Everything still okay for tonight?_

She responds a programmed _yes_ and puts the phone back in the metal drawer, which will vibrate loudly, when he text's back. Crossing into the break room to get coffee, with her drawer calling her attention, ignorance allows her to make one more caffeinated drink.

* * *

"Richard, I think this is a wonderful idea."

"I do too, mother. I do too."

"Did she respond?"

"She said yes. But that's it. Must be really busy."

"If there's one thing that these past two years have taught me about that girl, it's that she keeps her word. She said she'd be her tonight and she will."

He nods his head, listening to his mother as she gets her coat, ready to break tradition and leave for the night – along with Alexis.

"Thank you, both, for helping. I will see you tomorrow."

* * *

"Beckett, it's time to go."

"Espo, one minute and then – "

"No, you said yourself this morning. 7 at the latest. Well, it's 6:55 and you told me to get you out of here."

"I know, but – "

"No buts. Let's go. Grab your coat. It's time for you to go home. This case will still be here when you get back. And look, the rookies are helping through the holiday. They'll be excited if you leave it to them."

It's enough to convince her to leave. She did tell him she'd be there regardless of what got in the way. And his family was counting on stands up after turning off her computer, grabs her coat, and follows the other detective to the elevator.

* * *

When she gets to the loft she notices the Christmas decorations that stream the walls. Management must have put them up, but running around all the time, she missed them. She goes to open the door to his loft, but stops because she can't find her key. Digging in her purse, realizing that it's here – she can hear it – she puts the bag on the floor and starts to dig through.

_He's home._

The bit of information that she failed to remember picks her off the floor and brings a hand to knock. He opens it moments later, greats her with a kiss, and drags her into the middle of the loft. She looks around, but there's no dinner waiting. Martha and Alexis have disappeared. The tree stands bright by the window; its lights illuminating the room - the only lights in the room that are on. The ornament she bought him on their first Christmas sits in her line of sight – a little novel dangling from a tiny handcuff she had to take off a Barbie doll – that she had to buy and was now sitting somewhere in her apartment.

He's wearing a tie tonight, something he never does when they have family dinners, and she smirks at him – questioning this evening.

"Where's –"

"They are joining us tomorrow," he answers, reading her mind. "Right now it's you and me," he says, taking her coat and putting it in the closet.

"_Ok_ay"

He pulls her by the hand to the couch and has her sit down on the couch next to him, their knees touching.

"Castle, what's going on?" she says, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. He insisted she'd be here because of the family. _Don't be late _was emphasized.

"I want to tell you a story."

She adjusts herself in the chair, looking at him, curiously.

"About two years ago, a woman walked into a man's loft. He had a dramatic scene, much like this one. The christmas tree was on, a small candle burning to give flavor to the room - He took her coat and offered her something to drink. She declined, but let him put her coat into his hall closet."

Kate's hand moves to her side, unfold from his, and her eyes brighten as her interest heightens.

"He sat her down and asked how her day was. She told him it was busy, something that was usual, but she was so happy to be with him after a long day. She asked why he was sitting on the opposite couch and he said it was so his plan could work. He thought he could see her ears perk, wondering what this man could be hiding."

_This is just how it went – _

"Soon, after they are done discussing the evens of the day, he suggests dinner, much like I am going to do, but first, he wants her to put a movie on. He points to his television where he has set up the old VCR and has three classic movies lying on the table. He says for her to pick one out and put it in while he gets more wine and a blanket. Thinking that the man has walked into the other room, the woman stands – picks out a movie, but – when she turns around, he's holding a box."

Kate's eyes begin to water, realizing that he's remembered. Everything about that night, he is telling her. This was an event that she thought was forever going to be in her memory. Just hers.

"A box, much like this one," he says, pulling out a box from his pocket.

Kate's heart quickens. Her gift last year was funny. It was a key, but in a box that should have held a -

"He opens it, mimicking a rather special event, and reveals a key to his loft. Her first Christmas gift was to have access to him, but not only by a key. It allowed them to finalize their relationship. Because this man and this woman worked together, she never needed it. But now, the woman could come and go when she pleased, never having to question herself. They spent their last month together before a snowy night tore them apart."

He pauses, holds the box in both of his hands. Looking at it, "But, what the girl didn't know was that before there was a key in the box, there was this."  
He opens the box revealing a ring. The one that sat in his closet for eleven months while his body tried to remember it. A tear escapes her eye and a hand comes up to brush it away. Her heart quickens, realizing that she's here. Back to where they were before.

"Now, Kate. I don't remember everything about us. It's whatever you want it to be, that by some chance, I remembered our first Christmas. I know that we've only been really dating for six months, but you're it. Pieces of time are coming back to remind me that you're the one. And," he says, sliding from the couch and getting on his knee, "I want to know if you feel the same way. Will you marry me?"  
She gasps, as if the words made it more real, and shakes her head yes – not being able to speak. This life, the one that was threatened, the one that was almost taken from her. She wants it and it came back. It found a path that led them here. She leans in and kisses him, her tears jumping to his shirt. Her hands pull up to his face and he slides back to the ground, being knocked off his knees – his hands bracing to the couch. A smile forces them apart, her face matching his.

"Does that mean yes?" he says with a laugh.

"Yes. Always. Yes."

* * *

_Thoughts? - Good ones? Not so good ones? (and if it's about the suddenness of the proposal - I will explain soon enough)  
_

_(you can also leave a "review" at stillcatchingup - dot - tumblr - dot - com or meggh11 on twitter) - i respond to those, so if you're looking for an actual response, head over there!  
_

_Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!  
_


	16. Chapter 16

_5 months later_

Kate moves her foot around in circles trying to awaken it from its stiff position. Her legs are lying over the edge of his chair while she reads a magazine, only being interrupted by his determined searching throughout the loft. She senses a nap on her horizon.

Kate flips the page of her magazine, still twirling her foot, as she watches him walk back into his room, mumbling something she cannot understand. He had been at this for at least forty-five minutes.

She breaks from her fixed reading to watch him walk back up the stairs - and then back down again - and into his room.

"Castle, what are you looking for?"

"This paper -" he says, muffled - sounding like he is looking under his bed.

"Can I help find this missing paper?"

"I left it on my desk, it's just - I know. Damn. It had all of my notes. My entire timeline that - "

He breaks his thought and the sound of papers rattling travels to her.

Finishing her magazine, Kate puts it into the basket next to her and picks up another one. They were watching a movie, but something happened and then he had an idea - one thing lead to another, and now he's on a wild hunt to find a piece of paper that might be lost to the world.

He reappears, a sense of sanity refueling his walk, and he sits down on the couch next to her. He lets out a sigh as his body molds into the seat.

"Find it?"

"Yes. Yes I did."

"And is everything better?"

He looks to her, eyes meeting.

"Yes. Everything is better."

"Good. Then can we finish our movie? I took two days off, I haven't done that in a while, and I don't want to spend it watching you find things that you forgot you lost."

Her manner is sarcastic as she moves to slide next to him, hips meeting each others, her finger pressing play on the remote.

* * *

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Right now? He's just about to solve the case," Castle says, raising a hand to emphasize the pivotal moment in the film.

"Castle, you have solved thousands of cases by now. Do you really need to get this one?"

"_You_ may have solved thousands of cases, I only remember a few hundred."

"You think you're so funny, don't you."

"_Think_ and _know_ are two different things."

* * *

_And, my dear friend, take a look around, this is the last time you will be seeing your apartment._

"Okay, now can I ask you?"

"Yes, Kate. But, come on. Even you didn't see the doctor being the killer, right?"

"Yes. I did. Because I've seen this one before..."

He smirks at her, once again taking the fun out of it. He reaches past her thigh to grab the remote and stop the movie.

"Okay, what is this question you are dying to ask me?"

Kate sits up and folds her legs so she is facing him. About to begin, she brushes a stand of hair behind her ear and straightens her back.

"Why did you ask me to marry you?"

He looks at her, confused.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, any logical person would think you were crazy to ask me. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I _love_ you and I'm not backing out," she says, laughing, a hand covering his thigh, "I just want to know what was going through your head that day."

He sits up, still perpendicular to her, but upright to begin his talk.

"You're right, any other person would think I was crazy. I really only remembered those few memories, and to be honest, the plan wasn't to do it like that. When I woke up one morning I realized that I had a dream about a Christmas I didn't remember having. I brushed it off; it was just another dream. But, as I went through the day, I couldn't shake it. I talked to Alexis and it turns out I couldn't forget it because I actually lived it. So, I thought about it. And, after talking it over with my mother, I decided to just jump to it and propose."

She's looking at him, trying to read him as he tells his story.

"Kate," he says, turning to her, grabbing her hands, "not everyone has this story - our story, but . . . it's our story. I've had many sleepless nights where I questioned it all. I questioned me, you - us. At first I didn't know what to make of you. I was struck, yes, but I did think of getting rid of you."

He cringes as the words roll out of his mouth.

"But then I pictured trying to be with someone else. Trying to explain why I'm slow at some things. Why some things hurt - like when I first tried to walk up the stairs. I would have to explain why I go to the doctors all the time, and then - now that I'm remembering things - I would have to explain why I'm _re_-falling in love with someone that I broke up with."

Kate continues to stay silent, let him finish. She understands.

"So then I began to think about you. I put myself in your shoes," he says, moving closer to her.

"I can't imagine what this has been like for you. You were in a relationship with me. We were serious and then, to have it all taken away only to bring you back to the beginning. It's been hard. And you have been there through it all. You've stood by me. God, you took my daughter into your life even though I may have never made it. Alexis persuaded me to give you a chance, and I did. And I realized that, after all we have been through - if I remember it or not - this is not going to end. I want you for the rest of my life."

She smiles, forces back tears, but regains her strong nature.

"So I don't care if _we _didn't know each other for that long. You get me, and I'm remembering how I got you. You're it. And I love, that out of everyone it could have been in that seat next to me, could have gone through this with me, that it was you."

Kate's still looking into his eyes, her hand underneath of his, and shakes her head.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"That's it?"

She shakes her head yes, kisses him lightly, and moves back to her space.

"Do you want to watch another movie?"

He smiles, let's his adrenaline subside, and watches her surf through his television guide. He sees the water in her eyes recede as he removes his hand from her leg.

"Yeah, let's watch another movie."

* * *

_Thanks for everyone who went on this ride with me! I thought this was a perfect place to end this. Who knows - maybe there will be an update somewhere just to see where these two are at. This whole thing wouldn't have been as fun as it was without the video that inspired it all - thank you Sarah._

_Thoughts?_


End file.
